This is My Forties

WRITTEN OVER THE COURSE OF MONTHS: It's hard to believe I haven't been romantic with another person in over 2 years. I feel this pressure to not let myself dry up and settle into the comfort of not having to maintain a relationship. Some days I'm lonely.  Most days I'm not. I read some articles about dating in this century and even those were triggering at first. Eventually I settled on match.com because it seemed the least likely to be for just hook ups. Y'all I don't think I'll ever be able to just hook up with people... and it's not a goal of mine.  So, anyway, match.  I made a profile, kept it hidden for weeks and didn't pay a dime. I finally unhid it last weekend and kept it visible for 3 days. I paid for 6 months. I was feeling a little flirty and positive. But then got TOO MUCH ATTENTION.  It was overwhelming. I haven't been able to log in and look at all the messages or likes. I have this weird guilt with leaving people hanging, but also,...

Brief note - I recently joined substack to support a podcast I really like, and it reminds me of blogging. I decided to come back here and check on the old gal. Y'all... I've had this blog for over 20 years. I started it in 2005. Dang! It has been Blogunta  then  Tales of a Lonely Army Wife then Tales of a Lonely Army Wife No More then This is my Forties ... so much is recorded here. If google ever drops this service I'm going to have a lot of downloading to do to back this puppy up.

I just completed a 14.44 mile solo hike for my 44th birthday. I came here and found this old gem from 2021. When I was just starting to get into hiking more and trying to expand my confidence zone : https://blogunta.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-seven-mile-solo-hike.html I had therapy today and I just identified that a lot of the journaling I was doing before my divorce was me trying to un-feel things or change how I felt, fix how I felt, convince myself to feel something else. I would vent onto the page over and over and over about the same damned things and then talk myself out of it, make it my fault, make it about something I needed to grow into. I for sure needed to grow... and that will never stop. But, reading a lot of my old writing now I just want to scream at myself to stop trying to fix things and LEAVE ALREADY! I can't believe I was so blinded for so long. Recovery has been much faster now that I'm not consistently being re-injured! Now, the things in my confidence zone ar...

Since I take all my photos with my phone, I was trying to use the blogger app to do the 365in2024 posts, but the photos would be rotated and there was no way to fix it in the app or on the desktop version. I lack patience and time for shit like that. So, I uploaded them to a flickr album instead... with no words. At least I kinda did it ;)

Tuesday, January 16th - more snow and a cotton candy sunset. It wasn't much, but the ice beneath and timing of the snow itself  meant a snow day for the kids! Now that they're teenagers, that precious time is spent catching up on sleep, which makes working from home pretty easy for me. Wednesday, January 17th - the morning light changes throughout the year as the earth moves around the sun. In winter, it peeks in through my living room window and spotlights the entertainment center in warm light.  Thursday, January 18th - Braved the inch of ice on the ground to attend a legislative reception in Annapolis with my coworkers/friends. We spent the day networking, laughing, and planning to save our little section of the Chesapeake Bay watershed here in Southern Maryland. Friday, January 19th - Jug Bay snow day!!! The weather report called for snow to begin falling as school was supposed to just be getting started, so they announced cl...

Thursday, January 11th - Brennan spent the evening making homemade kimchi. Thanks to youtube university and TikTok, this generation feels informed and empowered to try new things.  Friday, January 12th - Binge watching Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. I had started it before, but wasn't a fan (bad timing in my own life). Now I love it! Saturday, January 13th - Weekend site visit for a coastal erosion project. These professional wetland ecologists are the best in the business, but they don't ever talk down to anyone. Fabulous people.  Sunday, January 14th - New hobby supplies. Brennan has been getting into crochet and he tried teaching me. I failed miserably, but I'll keep trying! I also took him to Marshalls and was able find him an entire winter wardrobe... so many fluffy blue sweaters and all things coquette.  Pretty much the opposite of me 😏 Monday, January 15th - First dusting of snow! Got to spend a little extra ti...

Sunday, January 21 - just hanging out on the couch with Brennan while he crochets a sweater for himself. He already made clothes for his build-a-bear Pompompurin. Monday, January 22 - enjoying the fruits of Brennan's labor over the weekend: homemade tomato soup. I love that my kids cook! Tuesday, January 23 - a site visit to Endeavor Point in Benedict. Right around the corner from me. Despite the gorgeous photo, there was a lot of erosion issues here. I've been seeing this all along the Patuxent River. Wednesday, January 24 - Waiting for my therapy appointment. I've been going to therapy for over two years now. Best money ever spent. Thursday, January 25 - that look you get when you turn on your phone and the camera is facing the wrong way. How many chins can YOU make? Rough... am I brave to share? Sure 😆

Saturday, January 6th - Started the day with a rainy memorial, ended it with a homecooked meal and a game of Wingspan with good friends. Sunday, January 7th - Brennan was in a baking and cooking mood so he whipped up a layered dessert. He even made the pudding from scratch. It was delicious. Monday, January 8th - I thought this bell pepper looked like a nose so... why not. It's Monday. Tuesday, January 9th - I work in the environmental field so I do a lot of site visits for my job. Mostly for erosion and flooding issues. It happened to be right before a big storm so I was able to snap a lot of photos to include in our grant proposal that justify the need for a shoreline project here. The storm eventually came through and flooded the entire area. We also lost power for about 4 hours. We had plenty of camp lights and hobbies to get through those hours. Wednesday, January 10th - The only aftermath of the storm at our house wa...

Mon, Jan 1: Tristan and I welcoming 2024 with some drama.  Tue, Jan 2: A short hike at Jug Bay. This poor water snake came out of hibernation while warm Gulf air was keeping everything in the 60's, but that soon disappeared and it froze to death. Unfortunately, we've been seeing this more often as climate change causes extreme variations in temperature.  Wed, Jan 3: Armed with a gifted old cigar box, I started experimenting with my new crafting tool, an engraving pen I got for Christmas. Thu, Jan 4: Charlie's morning meds for his arthritis. He's 14yrs old now and has trouble getting around but he perks up with excitement for his "treats". He spends most of his time sleeping on his giant bed. Fri, Jan 5: Great work event followed by an in-home happy hour and dinner with a close friend. I fucking love my life and the people I share it with ❤️ 

So much has happened since I stopped writing in 2021. I stopped planning and started DOING in earnest. I landed a BIG job as an Executive Director of a local nonprofit. I am allowing myself to see me as an important and influential person, someone with worth and value to offer my community. It started with some terrified feelings and literal sweating my first few weeks. But now I am nearly 2 years in and loving it. I have grown into the position and didn't quit. I have days where I still question my abilities and the Board for hiring me... but, the impostor syndrome is mostly gone. I have had to face uncomfortable truths about myself as a professional, but I did it without a prolonged collapse or otherwise embarrassing childish reaction. I have grown. With 20 years of marriage down, we filed for divorce. After years of twisting myself in knots trying to be happy with only being who I thought he wanted, I realized it wasn't what I wanted... and that mattered . I realized that h...