Gifts from the Past

I just completed a 14.44 mile solo hike for my 44th birthday. I came here and found this old gem from 2021. When I was just starting to get into hiking more and trying to expand my confidence zone: https://blogunta.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-seven-mile-solo-hike.html

I had therapy today and I just identified that a lot of the journaling I was doing before my divorce was me trying to un-feel things or change how I felt, fix how I felt, convince myself to feel something else. I would vent onto the page over and over and over about the same damned things and then talk myself out of it, make it my fault, make it about something I needed to grow into. I for sure needed to grow... and that will never stop. But, reading a lot of my old writing now I just want to scream at myself "you aren't crazy! he's a lying, manipulative, emotionally abusive narcissist! it's NOT YOU, it's HIM! GO!!". This section from that post:

My inner voice mutes the accomplishments, downgrades them, picks at them, compares them to others. So that is what I am still tackling. All the "not enough" messages that accompany my accomplishments. It's not new. I don't generally feel pride about most of what I have done, am doing, plan to do.

My inner voice?! Sure, after multiple outer voices telling me over and over again I'm not good enough in every way possible. And of course I didn't trust when I felt happy or secure:

I fear criticism and jealousy. I feel like people will make it a point to talk me out of happiness. I feel like the most dangerous time to share is when I am feeling hopeful or secure, which ironically leads to feeling insecure and unsure about my emotions almost immediately.

I was actively being punished with abandonment, rejection, and withdrawal of love. Especially when I did something that made me happy, improved my confidence, or established independence.

I can't believe I was so blinded for so long. Recovery has been much faster now that I'm not consistently being re-injured! Now, the things in my confidence zone are every single item on that old list and then some. I even posted videos of myself. I used to hate videos of myself, but now I'm getting to love my voice and believe in its value, for myself and for others.

If you're interested, you can see me in all my sweaty glory as I hiked in Rocksylvania to complete a section of the Tuscarora Trail in my 44th Birthday flickr album:

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