Two Years Down... ? to Go

 "Two Years"

Before my pen hits the page I can see the words

Endlessly profound English morsels

Tumbling into clumsy lines in my head

Organizing themselves into delicate metaphors, crafting the perfect imagery

To expel my point from my unconscious

Then the pen

And the translation's gone wrong

Not quite the imagery I saw

Not quite the sentences that were carefully queuing up in their orderly lines

So much like waking from a dream and trying to remember

It dissolves from the fertile realm where it exists the moment I try to focus on it, 

Cast out into the light where it shrivels and becomes almost unrecognizable, 

A parched husk of a thought that if touched will evaporate.

How do I describe what this failure feels like?

Or this pain and regret, this guilt... this crushing motherly guilt

From all the moments stolen from us by my own illness

And the relentless pursuit of time.

How do I describe the brutality of hindsight's boiling clarity

That I've been steeping in for two years?

What have these past two years been?

I'm on a long hike through familiar surroundings

No joyful discoveries, no novelty

New trails, new location, same gear, same me

Nothing to see but my own feet

Drudgery

When I look up to try and orient myself it's just more trees

Endless trees shading me and blocking the next bend ahead

I look back to my feet, the dirt, and the roaring dead leaves

My legs burn and cramp and ache at times

But I can't leave without pushing through

There's nothing else I can do

No cell signal, no help, no map,

Just me

I have to be almost free, right?

I can't hike much longer than this, can I?

It doesn't matter what thoughts or questions plunge through my mind

None of the fatigue or the pain changes the path or shortens my journey

None of my wants or needs will propel me forward

All I can do is keep walking, stepping, hiking, trudging, stumbling, falling

Closer to whatever lies at the end of this.