The Ruts of Rumination and Dealing with the Collapse

This month I suffered a "collapse" at some point... I have only a basic idea when, and I am struggling to pull myself back out of it. It's the same as last time I suffered a collapse, but I'm a little more connected with the present this time and for that I should be proud (more on that later). 

For those that don't know what a collapse is, it's not a mental breakdown. Collapses are when you feel like your self-esteem and self-worth bubble has been popped and it immediately disappears. Collapses are what narcissists go through when they are wounded. It's also what children who were raised by narcissists go through due to their sensitivity to criticism, having been criticized their entire lives. 

With me, a collapse is followed by a period of being unable to name my emotions or connect with them at all (dissociation), beating myself up about not being better/different/enough (but not realizing that is what I am doing), outwardly focusing on others to try and justify or fix my feelings, and literal body issues: persistent heart palpitations, loss of appetite, loss of energy, feeling anxious for no discernable reason, chest tightness, headaches, insomnia.

Last time when I went through this I sought out people to talk to, which is not bad, but also not great. It's still part of that codependency narrative, an outwardly focused sense of self, which I am trying to resolve. This time I have been trying to focus on figuring out the root emotion that initiated the collapse. And just... being present with it, alone, feeling abandoned and unworthy of love, and convincing myself that it isn't true. It's not pleasant or easy.

It isn't over. I am still working on it. What really sucks about this is the rumination that has become so ingrained in my mind & body at this point that I no longer connect with it in any real way. I have to work very hard to actually hear what my mind is saying to me. I have to use behavioral clues like: what TV shows I feel like watching & who I am connecting with on the show, how I am treating others around me, what is annoying me and how I react to it. 

This particular moment it's Downton Abbey. I find myself connecting to being trapped by responsibility and choices. I see every true love killed or taken, undermined by circumstances outside of anyone's control and the emotional turmoil is stuffed down for the sake of perception & survival. Emotions are not to be expressed... or they have time-tables, acceptable confidantes who are in a one-sided relationship or lopsided-influence relationship with you. Soldiering on, carrying on, dealing with trauma day in and day out, accepting that you will never be allowed to fully be who you want to be... you MUST be an approved version of what is demanded/expected. You will never receive acceptance. Being you = controversy, criticism and  guaranteed misery. 

I connect with the struggle to believe in love and happiness, and then see it ripped away once they are finally convinced. I grieve the loss of love. I accept the fact that it is gone. I believe I will never find it again or that I might be cursed to never feel love again. I will never feel like it's safe to have faith in feeling happy. I blame myself for not being able to feel that and "spare others" the misery of loving me if I can't love them back. I believe romantic love is false and irresponsible to believe in, a childish notion. That is Downton Abbey. It's also Grey's Anatomy, which is what I binge-watched the last time this happened.

This collapse was brought on by a simple comment meant to illicit a positive response, but instead triggered a downward spiral. A "please don't" when I wanted to cover up because I felt unattractive and overexposed. Immediate crushing, immediate "not good enough", immediate judgment. I was instantly removed from the present and stopped feeling what I had been feeling before, which was fear of not being good enough. In my mind that fear was now a proven fact. I instantly felt hopelessly damaged and deserving of abandonment. 

I finally was able to identify the damning negative messaging rut that my whole body dives into: 

My inability to feel confident is the ultimate problem that ruins my entire life, has caused every bad thing that has ever happened to me or will ever happen to me, is why anyone who has ever hurt me had a justifiable reason to do so, and is completely within my control to fix but I have not fixed it, which makes me a pathetic, wimpy-ass moron. 

How can I fix self-confidence if all I do is beat myself up about not being self confident? I can't. It's the perfect negative message. It states a problem as an extreme and fixed state of being, introduces intense shame for the problem, and creates an unsolvable self-perpetuating loop designed to maintain the problem. Sometimes it is so bad that I want to cut myself off from every single relationship in my life (since I'm obviously failing or will soon fuck it up if I talk). In those moments I want to stop all action and spare people the trouble of trying to deal with me... no more talking or moving, just do what is needed and never dare be anything outside of what others deem necessary. 

I want to run away, then I want to lash out and blame others. I don't let anyone get very close. I don't want to talk about anything. I don't want to make eye contact or connect at all because I don't deserve it, or I'll ruin it, or they'll make me talk and then criticize me for how I feel, or I don't trust how I feel. Other times I will contemplate or take part in hurting myself, abusing alcohol or other self-destructive shit in an attempt to... ???

• Demonstrate to others how severe the issue is? no because I don't tell anyone
• Yank my mind back down to present & physical reality? that would make some sense
• Dispel some of the overwhelming energy & anxiety all at once? I've read that is why some people on the spectrum self harm 

A study I read about dopamine found that physical pain increases dopamine levels, which either helps us cope and endure the pain or helps us avoid the pain. So it makes sense to me why the urge to engage in dopamine-raising behaviors pops up in instances where I feel overwhelmed by an emotional situation. That's why we see emotional distress dealt with through things like fighting, intense physical exercise, binge-drinking alcohol, doing drugs, having sex, or other adrenaline-using dopamine-producing behaviors. Or why coming of age ceremonies include conquering physical pain and fear without giving in to our emotions, which is the hallmark of adulthood. Or why the pain of natural childbirth was such an empowering experience for me. Enduring physical pain has a biological and cultural component that helps us handle the accompanying emotional distress. Note taken. I can create positive, constructive responses for that.