This is My Forties

Last week I suddenly sprang awake at 4am and HAD to write.  I began writing a list of 10 self-limiting behaviors I have faced and changed over the past few years.  I scoffed that I felt like Moses receiving the 10 commandments or something, how immediate and necessary it felt... so much so that god woke me up at 4am!  Then I kept it all to myself.  I knew I was supposed to share it, but whatever.  I chickened out.  Then I had a very obvious dream last night that I put on 10 nicotine patches all over my torso and hid them under a shirt.  As I sat there I got ill because the drug was overflowing my system.  I knew it was about those realizations.  So, here are the ten lessons I've learned (among so many) and am still fighting to detox from my mind.  Hopefully, if you're guilty of any of these you will be able to face them and change too.  Or, if you aren't guilty, you will know me better.  I would like everyone who knew me then ...

The past couple months have been difficult for me on a very personal level.  Apparently all my studies and personal growth over the last couple years were preparing me for this huge task of confronting my inadequacies, accepting them, and learning how to live with the knowledge that I may never truly change certain aspects of myself.  In keeping with my desire for truth I'm not going to share with anyone my real fears.  It doesn't matter.  What matters is that they exist and I'm working on them.  No matter what it is the process is the same.  The struggle is the same.  Not knowing will keep everyone unbiased and hopefully introspective.  That old serenity prayer that everyone knows... I finally get it.  It's about external influence, but it's also about self discovery. There are things I have always known about myself that I accept because they're easy and they're nice.  The truly difficult part is confronting the things I don't a...

Growing up in a landlocked state like Ohio means that I am fascinated with beaches.  A beach in winter to me is like some kind of bizarre unnatural spectacle that must be seen.  So, I went to check out my local beach in winter. There are waves crashing into ice-covered driftwood, you guys.  For me it was like watching a ferocious lion play with a baby hamster or something.  The juxtaposition of winter in a "summer place" made me giddy.  It was cool. I saw seagulls sliding around on a frozen lagoon.  They would glide overhead, land and slide around a bit, and then they slammed their beaks into the ice to break through and grab what little morsels they had spotted from the air.  I saw ice sheets covering the sand with ripples in them. I saw shells filled with slush.  I can't wait to go back when there's snow... snow on the sand.  That's just crazy talk!  It was a lot of fun for me (if you couldn't tell).  Hopefully my editing ...