This is My Forties

People talk a lot about suppressing anger ( including myself ) and how harmful it can be.  I think it's equally harmful to suppress joy , and that's not something we often hear about.  One of the issues I see is that as a society we have decided "negative" emotions have more value than "positive" ones.  Some say it's a product of our brain's ability to empathize with pain more easily than with happiness, but I think it could be the biological responding to our environmental cues.  Empathy is a social belief we teach as part of our culture to promote kindness and compassion.  Problem is, empathy can also be taught through guilt and shame ( muting pride and self-esteem  is holy), which solves one problem by creating another.  Let me give you some examples of expected harmful behaviors that will show you what I mean. A friend is going through a divorce and you purposely don't talk about your great marriage in their presence so as not to "rub...

I believe our old views of balance as a linear teeter-totter model are flawed.  I think real balance happens in a trinity/triad/triangle.  If you really think about it, we already knew that anyway.  Think of that teeter totter model again.  What else do you need for balance?  The fulcrum and the system itself (the platform).  Move the fulcrum or the platform and what happens?  You have to re-balance.   Balance doesn't mean the sides are equal; balance is not equality !  The universe will always be in balance.  No matter what you do.  There are limits and laws and they will be followed whether or not you understand/acknowledge/believe them.  Balance is a constant shifting to maintain equilibrium within a system . That's what balance really looks like.  There are laws and limits, but almost endless variation... like pi .  The amount of complexity increases to infinity, but is defined by constants.  All trian...

In 2013 I was given an amazing gift.  I found a friend who introduced me to new ideas and perspectives, who had been through her own problems and understood how to get better.  I started seeing a therapist.  The first day of therapy I was given 2 simple tasks that sent me into anxiety attacks.  I have used them on a yearly basis ever since!  Here's what they are and what I do with them. 1. The VIA survey of character strengths test that I have taken every year to assess who I think I am, how it has changed, and if I'm seeing myself honestly.  I have also given it to my kids so that I can know how they see themselves and how to better support them.  The site is free and they store all your past tests for you.  There are tons of other questionnaires on the site that are helpful as well.  All from the emerging field of positive psychology. If I feel like I'm fine with my top 5 and bottom 5 I know I am doing well.   If I feel ...

I had such a bizarre week.  One part of me was super excited about the next chapter, but the other part of me was terrified and negative.  I have to defend my ideas for several new ventures both in school for myself, and for unschooling for the kids.  OMG can I just quit instead?  This is like a nightmare for me!  Here's my dumb brain: I can't possibly do anything right.  I've never done anything right.  Everything I have been researching is wrong.  All my realizations are wrong.  I focus on roadblocks, not opportunities.  I see myself being defeated and unable to accomplish anything.  I am not finding the light at the end of the tunnel anymore.  I catch myself being an ass in my classes.  I don't want to talk to anyone or work with anyone.  I'm certain I will face criticism from anyone I talk openly to about my ideas, ambitions, goals, insights, and research on certain topics... so I don't talk at all and then get an...

I believe the main reason bullying has become such a problem is our continued mistreatment of children.  We are bullies to them.  We are sarcastic and cynical and disrespectful.  We lord our power over them.  We hit them.  We say everything we want, however we want, as loud as we want, and tell them they cannot respond similarly.  We tell them how they feel and how they should feel.  We tell them what their intentions are.  We don't ask them or help them think through these complicated issues.  We don't practice patience.  We publicly shame them.  We don't trust them or have faith in their abilities.  We tell them what they can wear and say and when they can eat, sleep, even go to the bathroom.  It's insane.  We say "you can be anything", but our actions are fear-filled and insecure and opposite our words.  We give them no autonomy or control over their own lives. This is especially true during middle school ye...

Someone warned me not to light up because I'm liable to get sniped Light makes you a target to the enemy They told me it was too bright Keep it to yourself Be humble Don't draw attention Tone it down so they don't get jealous What's the point of light If not to shine Light shines for all, not just the bearer It spreads into darkness and uncloaks all its secrets It doesn't discriminate, it flows from all angles It's not meant for just one Jealousy isn't my responsibility Shining is I am a light

Noah asked me yesterday what this meant: "Thinking outside of the box" (love him!!!) We've all heard this phrase before, and we know what it means... think creatively, think differently, be unhindered by norms.  But, where did it come from?  Well, I looked it up and apparently it's reminiscent of an old logic puzzle developed in 1914, the nine dot puzzle.  This is a puzzle with which I am well acquainted.  In fact, Josh and I have already introduced our children to it... funny it has lasted for so long!  Other speculations of the origin of the phrase were by a paper in 1945 that alluded to 'blue sky thinking'.  I will forever associate outside the box thinking with Shirley Jackson's short story "The Lottery" which she wrote in 1948.  This link is great because it comes with questions to ponder after reading.  I highly recommend reading it if you haven't!  The box isn't a new image for us to use. I think of Schrodinger's cat  i...

creativity [kree-ey-tiv-i-tee, kree-uh-] 1. the state or quality of being creative. 2. the ability to transcend traditional ideas, rules, patterns, relationships, or the like, and to create meaningful new ideas, forms, methods, interpretations, etc.; originality, progressiveness, or imagination 3.the process by which one utilizes creative ability I noticed I haven't been taking many photos or writing as much as I used to (especially now that I'm in college).  Well... I have issued myself a challenge to remedy that since I know how important creative outlets are to my mental health.  Starting on October 1st I am going to create at least one thing every day: photograph, sketch, poem, prose, painting, sculpture, spoken word, music, wood burning, journal entry, a hypothesis, invention, an original idea... it doesn't matter what it is as long as it wouldn't have existed if I hadn't brought it to fruition.  A creation. My goal is to just keep on going.  I'm s...

I am hoarding negative thoughts.  I call it hoarding because that's exactly what it is.  If you've ever watched "Hoarders" you know what I'm talking about.  These people live in piles of trash that make them miserable, but they just can't let go of them... because they have come up with one good reason to keep every single piece of filth and that is the only thing that matters.  Their health doesn't matter.  Their families don't matter.  Their comfort and happiness don't matter.  They cannot let go of any of it because it's helping them hide, but they think they're keeping it because it's all useful.  They are trapped in a delusional state, which is making them miserable.  Logically they know they need to change something, but the self-denial, defensiveness, and anger is stronger than logic. Over the past few years I have actually rid myself of tons of trash, but there is still more!  It's the really old stuff at the bottom, the v...

Allison,      I see you think you've been busy lately.  You haven't really done anything at all.  What do you do all day... sit around on your ass.  You think you've accomplished something?!  What?  You finally entered your photography into some things and they were accepted... smallest possible stages ever.  Means nothing.  You are writing finally... on your tiny little blog that no one cares about, preaching to people like you even know what the hell you're talking about.  Do you think you're better than people?  You're ridiculous.  You're a coward and you're lazy.  People say your art is good to not hurt your feelings.  Why would you take their compliments.  You're a pathetic person who's too afraid to try, and rightly so.  You fantasize about National Geographic and traveling... when you lived in Spain you barely left the house.  You were too much of a coward to speak Spanish, and you still...

"Learn... Change" No matter how much you know How well you eat How safe you are How aware you become There is chaos And it will come It will swallow you up Erase you Drain you It will take your feet And force you to your knees And remind you of the truth You have no control We can understand every law But we can't stop gravity We can cure an illness But we still get sick The one pure truth Is that control is an illusion A delusion we all suffer We're just managing our symptoms While learning to recover Chaos is at the heart of change Impossible to avoid Prepare for the storm because it is wise But remember Preparation is not protection It's just how we survive Be ready for the chaos Develop the tools to recover But remember to embrace the lessons All chaos has to offer The point is to learn The point is to change It's not a punishment It just is It's not personal It just exists You don't fall because gr...

Josh and I met because we were destined to meet.  We were laughing the other day about our circumstances beforehand.  What clueless kids we were!  I was pissed off for being assigned to Spanish. I was better than that, capable of far greater challenges, completely devastated by this silly little existence.  Josh was re-classed from SERE school (AF special forces) into munitions and he was pissed off for being undervalued and having his talents wasted, devastated by this silly little existence.  We thought we were so damned amazing.  Of course we had to be together.  We had to teach each other lessons about how we fail miserably and how we can succeed.  I already knew all these things about myself, but I never recognized their power to destroy or maintain a relationship.  Your personality is like a toolbox... if you use the tools correctly you get the job done, but if you try to saw wood with a screwdriver you're in for a lot of pain and frust...

Yesterday I was reminded of something I noticed about our society quite some time ago.  George Takei had posted an article of comics depicting sexism that's thrust upon boys.  I agree.  I have 3 boys and I see how they are pressured to fit into this macho mold.  That's not what I want to talk about though... that moment closed the circle for me. We started bringing light to how society belittles, stereotypes, bullies, misunderstands, mistreats, and undervalues people a long time ago.  It really kicked in with the civil rights movement and feminism in the 60's.  Our downtrodden members fought for the understanding and compassion they deserved by sharing their stories, with the intent to draw out our empathy.  It worked beautifully, but I feel it created a dangerous side-effect.  We became a nation obsessed with victim-hood.  Suffering became the barometer by which we measured the value of a person's opinion or worth.  If you haven't suf...

I spend an inordinate amount of time out in nature and, like Einstein so aptly suggested , it helps me "understand everything better".  Lately the lesson I have been shown over and over again is how arrogant we are as humans.  For no real reason that I can think of other than our desire to be in control, we write off most of our behaviors to choice.  Why? It makes no sense to think nothing we do (other than suckling) is pre-programmed into our DNA like every other animal and living thing on the planet.  Some of the most bizarre and amazing behaviors exist in other living things... like the bowerbird that constructs beautiful works of art to attract a mate (without ever being taught).  The poisonous frogs that live in the rainforest that dutifully carry their tadpoles one by one to a specific  kind of plant and feeds them until they grow legs.  The octopus that starves herself to death for 6 months to protect her eggs.  You can watch these an...

Yes, that slavery.  I know... I can feel the collective chest tightening as you get a little scared for me, a white girl, trying to talk about this topic.  She's going to put her foot in her mouth!  What's going to happen!  What makes me qualified to talk about this?  I live in the USA and I have access to our history.  Mostly, though... I WANT to.  I'm tired of feeling like we're separate.  I am done being quiet.  We need some honesty and some introspection.  I am so so so tired of this racism and silence and I realize I'm part of the problem if I keep my views to myself.  "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" - MLK Disclaimer :: I KNOW this won't apply to all people.  I'm talking about the general separation that we keep between us, black and white.  Where did it come from?  Why is it so regional?  I speak from my own personal experience.  If you don't have this expe...

In any given day I have quite a few questions go through my head... much like a big toddler.  I always catch myself looking at something outside and suddenly going "now wait a minute WHY is it like that?!".  Or I'll be at school and have to jot down all my big questions during lessons so I can look them up later.  Lately my questions have been profound enough that google doesn't have the answers for me.  Here's a few that have been trapped in my brain, looking for hints to their big answers while I live my life.  Trying to figure out how much further and deeper I can take a question and apply it to something practical. - Why do sycamore trees shed their bark in winter?  What is the evolutionary reason?  Does it provide a benefit?  Is it just a random mutation?   There are 3 main hypotheses as to why, but none have been tested . - Both plants and animals evolved the ability to live independently of water at the same time... plants star...