This is My Forties

I made myself take a trip alone to a new park and a new hiking spot. I did this back on the 17th and the truth is I am still trying to feel proud about what I accomplished. It's been interesting. Here's what I want to feel proud about (because this has all generally been way outside of my confidence zone). Note: I started using confidence zone for everything that is outside of my current comfort zone, but that I am dedicated to changing. Comfort zone is for everything I am sure about being part of my personal boundaries and will likely stay exactly how they are for my entire life: I had another trip planned that got canceled last minute and I didn't take it as a criticism or read into reasons of how I had failed. I honestly didn't take any of it personally and it didn't bother me. I dove into my resources and planned a few options after writing and doing self-care to make sure I was excited about what I was planning instead of feeling pressured to pick something in...

"Truth is not a thing, it is a constantly shifting balance of multiple interconnected realities. It is ever-changing, cyclically-building, interdependent, and infinite in nature." (Allison Burnett, 2019) Found this in my journal.  I don't remember being this insightful!  Sometimes I write things in the present that end up inspiring my future self.  I have quotes on my wall that I swap out once in awhile, and I haven't had quotes from others in a really long time.  Years.  I think that's pretty cool.  I started out with quotes from others, and now I inspire and motivate myself.  This is me and this is where I am.  My current quote wall: One object at a time.  One layer at a time.  One room at a time Growth mindset from classroom.  To closed system lab.  To practical application. All were inspired by my own life and the realizations I had from my experiences :)  For anyone who doesn't know what " growth mindset " is, ...

Thought I would share this on here since I've shared it with at least 3 people individually at this point.  I've been working on  establishing and maintaining healthy personal boundaries  so any instance in my life where I have unhealthy boundaries have been really obvious.  Still not great at dealing with those instances, but I'm getting better all the time.  While I'm working, this keeps popping up at different times to illustrate my inter/intra-personal communication cycles that need to be broken. https://www.karpmandramatriangle.com/ The hardest part for me has been recovering from taking responsibility for everyone's emotional state.  I would feel immense pressure to involve myself in other peoples' triangles, thinking I had to play the mediator role.  I would get intense feelings of anxiety, thinking about their expectations of me to fix their relationship... or feel it was my duty to point out if I saw an issue (without ever being asked o...

I've been writing a book for over 5 years now.  When I first started writing I would only go in spurts of manic typing followed by months of nothing.  Looking back on what I had written was always interesting because I don't remember what I wrote, and I am generally surprised at the insight and elegance of what I typed out.  I find old writings of mine all the time, and some of them I still get so anxious about sharing, but I noticed that comes with a theme of prior personal judgment of self.  One self in particular.  I have no faith in my inner teacher.  I am not the most confident person when it comes to sharing new ideas or my perceptions of situations.  Oh I'm definitely a bold and thoughtful person, but I don't want to discuss my reasons for my choices.  When I do, afterwards I get anxious about how others felt about what I said or how I said it.  I will tell myself I don't have valuable insight, everyone already knows what I know, no on...

I had such a bizarre week.  One part of me was super excited about the next chapter, but the other part of me was terrified and negative.  I have to defend my ideas for several new ventures both in school for myself, and for unschooling for the kids.  OMG can I just quit instead?  This is like a nightmare for me!  Here's my dumb brain: I can't possibly do anything right.  I've never done anything right.  Everything I have been researching is wrong.  All my realizations are wrong.  I focus on roadblocks, not opportunities.  I see myself being defeated and unable to accomplish anything.  I am not finding the light at the end of the tunnel anymore.  I catch myself being an ass in my classes.  I don't want to talk to anyone or work with anyone.  I'm certain I will face criticism from anyone I talk openly to about my ideas, ambitions, goals, insights, and research on certain topics... so I don't talk at all and then get an...

Noah asked me yesterday what this meant: "Thinking outside of the box" (love him!!!) We've all heard this phrase before, and we know what it means... think creatively, think differently, be unhindered by norms.  But, where did it come from?  Well, I looked it up and apparently it's reminiscent of an old logic puzzle developed in 1914, the nine dot puzzle.  This is a puzzle with which I am well acquainted.  In fact, Josh and I have already introduced our children to it... funny it has lasted for so long!  Other speculations of the origin of the phrase were by a paper in 1945 that alluded to 'blue sky thinking'.  I will forever associate outside the box thinking with Shirley Jackson's short story "The Lottery" which she wrote in 1948.  This link is great because it comes with questions to ponder after reading.  I highly recommend reading it if you haven't!  The box isn't a new image for us to use. I think of Schrodinger's cat  i...

I am hoarding negative thoughts.  I call it hoarding because that's exactly what it is.  If you've ever watched "Hoarders" you know what I'm talking about.  These people live in piles of trash that make them miserable, but they just can't let go of them... because they have come up with one good reason to keep every single piece of filth and that is the only thing that matters.  Their health doesn't matter.  Their families don't matter.  Their comfort and happiness don't matter.  They cannot let go of any of it because it's helping them hide, but they think they're keeping it because it's all useful.  They are trapped in a delusional state, which is making them miserable.  Logically they know they need to change something, but the self-denial, defensiveness, and anger is stronger than logic. Over the past few years I have actually rid myself of tons of trash, but there is still more!  It's the really old stuff at the bottom, the v...

Last week I suddenly sprang awake at 4am and HAD to write.  I began writing a list of 10 self-limiting behaviors I have faced and changed over the past few years.  I scoffed that I felt like Moses receiving the 10 commandments or something, how immediate and necessary it felt... so much so that god woke me up at 4am!  Then I kept it all to myself.  I knew I was supposed to share it, but whatever.  I chickened out.  Then I had a very obvious dream last night that I put on 10 nicotine patches all over my torso and hid them under a shirt.  As I sat there I got ill because the drug was overflowing my system.  I knew it was about those realizations.  So, here are the ten lessons I've learned (among so many) and am still fighting to detox from my mind.  Hopefully, if you're guilty of any of these you will be able to face them and change too.  Or, if you aren't guilty, you will know me better.  I would like everyone who knew me then ...

The past couple months have been difficult for me on a very personal level.  Apparently all my studies and personal growth over the last couple years were preparing me for this huge task of confronting my inadequacies, accepting them, and learning how to live with the knowledge that I may never truly change certain aspects of myself.  In keeping with my desire for truth I'm not going to share with anyone my real fears.  It doesn't matter.  What matters is that they exist and I'm working on them.  No matter what it is the process is the same.  The struggle is the same.  Not knowing will keep everyone unbiased and hopefully introspective.  That old serenity prayer that everyone knows... I finally get it.  It's about external influence, but it's also about self discovery. There are things I have always known about myself that I accept because they're easy and they're nice.  The truly difficult part is confronting the things I don't a...