A Seven Mile Solo Hike

I made myself take a trip alone to a new park and a new hiking spot. I did this back on the 17th and the truth is I am still trying to feel proud about what I accomplished. It's been interesting. Here's what I want to feel proud about (because this has all generally been way outside of my confidence zone). Note: I started using confidence zone for everything that is outside of my current comfort zone, but that I am dedicated to changing. Comfort zone is for everything I am sure about being part of my personal boundaries and will likely stay exactly how they are for my entire life:

1. I had another trip planned that got canceled last minute and I didn't take it as a criticism or read into reasons of how I had failed. I honestly didn't take any of it personally and it didn't bother me.
2. I dove into my resources and planned a few options after writing and doing self-care to make sure I was excited about what I was planning instead of feeling pressured to pick something in particular.
3. I was honest about what I felt I wanted and needed and didn't feel bad about what I picked.
4. I found a new place on my own based on what I wanted to experience and what I knew I could handle at the time.
5. I was excited and felt prepared and relaxed when I set out.
6. I drove in traffic alone and did not get super anxious or angry or scared. I kept moving forward.
7. When I arrived I was still relaxed and felt capable of looking at the map, asking for help if needed, and figuring out where I wanted to go in whatever amount of time I needed. I did not feel like I was being watched or judged.
8. I realized mistakes in my navigation and was able to correct them right away without feeling like a failure, getting anxious, or taking it to mean I should just go home.
9. I was able to track and use my mapping tools and when I lost signal for hours, I wasn't afraid of getting hopelessly lost. I was still able to enjoy the hike without anxiety about not knowing exactly where I was and was confident I had looked at the map enough to make correct choices on which paths to take next.
10. I took pictures of ME in the moment, smiling and happy, because I was absolutely those things. I had found rocks and water and a challenging hike. I shared photos of myself in places where they could be seen.
11. I hiked for 7.3 miles that included 614ft of elevation gain. Longest recorded hike I have done in a very long time. 
12. I was actually sore for 2 days afterwards which means I pushed myself to work harder physically than I normally do during a hike. I love pushing myself. I love feeling physically strong and capable. It's very important to me that I maintain physical strength, endurance, and flexibility.
13. I modeled good self-care and personal growth to the kids because I was open with them about how I am working on facing my fears about doing things on my own and trusting my choices.
14. I prioritized myself without feeling guilty, scared, anxious, or uncomfortable.

Look at that long-ass list!!! Each one is a new experience for me. Each one represents an improvement, a small step, a sign that I am on the right path to becoming a more confident and empowered person. I can list these and recognize them (obviously) but what I am having a hard time with is feeling pride. 

I started off feeling some pride. I can at least speak aloud to all the improvements that have been made (just noticed I am not taking credit for MY improvements in this phrasing... interesting) and recognize how far I have come. However, I do not feel pride for very long and definitely not very deeply. My inner voice mutes the accomplishments, downgrades them, picks at them, compares them to others. So that is what I am still tackling. All the "not enough" messages that accompany my accomplishments. It's not new. I don't generally feel pride about most of what I have done, am doing, plan to do. It is definitely outside of my confidence zone. It is getting better though, being able to recognize moments where I should feel proud of myself is a big step. I have to do the work of tackling every little message, find the root, feel and process the emotions that have been suppressed, and then allow myself to move on and feel something new. 

Another thing I noticed this past month is how much more comfortable I am sharing vulnerable, scary information about myself than sharing positive, uplifting information. I do not like compliments. I fear criticism and jealousy. I feel like people will make it a point to talk me out of happiness. I feel like the most dangerous time to share is when I am feeling hopeful or secure, which ironically leads to feeling insecure and unsure about my emotions almost immediately. Obviously this is a self-trust and self-confidence issue so I am already doing the right things to address it. I trust it will get better with time and practice. 

Recently my negative internal messages have all been about needs. It's super complicated and confusing how I feel about the concept of needs. Sometimes I believe I have them. Sometimes I believe they are weaknesses and excuses. Sometimes I think they're total bullshit inventions people made up to blame others and excuse themselves of stupid things like cheating, lying, addiction, avoiding personal responsibility, abusing others, and abusing themselves... "you weren't meeting my needs". Basically it all boils down to not being enough, for myself or anyone else. 

So, that's where I am! :) Moving along nicely. Seeing and feeling a lot of positive changes. Seeing and feeling a lot more to address. The scales are tipping in favor of the positive.