This is My Forties

I had such a bizarre week.  One part of me was super excited about the next chapter, but the other part of me was terrified and negative.  I have to defend my ideas for several new ventures both in school for myself, and for unschooling for the kids.  OMG can I just quit instead?  This is like a nightmare for me!  Here's my dumb brain: I can't possibly do anything right.  I've never done anything right.  Everything I have been researching is wrong.  All my realizations are wrong.  I focus on roadblocks, not opportunities.  I see myself being defeated and unable to accomplish anything.  I am not finding the light at the end of the tunnel anymore.  I catch myself being an ass in my classes.  I don't want to talk to anyone or work with anyone.  I'm certain I will face criticism from anyone I talk openly to about my ideas, ambitions, goals, insights, and research on certain topics... so I don't talk at all and then get an...

Noah asked me yesterday what this meant: "Thinking outside of the box" (love him!!!) We've all heard this phrase before, and we know what it means... think creatively, think differently, be unhindered by norms.  But, where did it come from?  Well, I looked it up and apparently it's reminiscent of an old logic puzzle developed in 1914, the nine dot puzzle.  This is a puzzle with which I am well acquainted.  In fact, Josh and I have already introduced our children to it... funny it has lasted for so long!  Other speculations of the origin of the phrase were by a paper in 1945 that alluded to 'blue sky thinking'.  I will forever associate outside the box thinking with Shirley Jackson's short story "The Lottery" which she wrote in 1948.  This link is great because it comes with questions to ponder after reading.  I highly recommend reading it if you haven't!  The box isn't a new image for us to use. I think of Schrodinger's cat  i...

creativity [kree-ey-tiv-i-tee, kree-uh-] 1. the state or quality of being creative. 2. the ability to transcend traditional ideas, rules, patterns, relationships, or the like, and to create meaningful new ideas, forms, methods, interpretations, etc.; originality, progressiveness, or imagination 3.the process by which one utilizes creative ability I noticed I haven't been taking many photos or writing as much as I used to (especially now that I'm in college).  Well... I have issued myself a challenge to remedy that since I know how important creative outlets are to my mental health.  Starting on October 1st I am going to create at least one thing every day: photograph, sketch, poem, prose, painting, sculpture, spoken word, music, wood burning, journal entry, a hypothesis, invention, an original idea... it doesn't matter what it is as long as it wouldn't have existed if I hadn't brought it to fruition.  A creation. My goal is to just keep on going.  I'm s...

I am hoarding negative thoughts.  I call it hoarding because that's exactly what it is.  If you've ever watched "Hoarders" you know what I'm talking about.  These people live in piles of trash that make them miserable, but they just can't let go of them... because they have come up with one good reason to keep every single piece of filth and that is the only thing that matters.  Their health doesn't matter.  Their families don't matter.  Their comfort and happiness don't matter.  They cannot let go of any of it because it's helping them hide, but they think they're keeping it because it's all useful.  They are trapped in a delusional state, which is making them miserable.  Logically they know they need to change something, but the self-denial, defensiveness, and anger is stronger than logic. Over the past few years I have actually rid myself of tons of trash, but there is still more!  It's the really old stuff at the bottom, the v...

The past couple months have been difficult for me on a very personal level.  Apparently all my studies and personal growth over the last couple years were preparing me for this huge task of confronting my inadequacies, accepting them, and learning how to live with the knowledge that I may never truly change certain aspects of myself.  In keeping with my desire for truth I'm not going to share with anyone my real fears.  It doesn't matter.  What matters is that they exist and I'm working on them.  No matter what it is the process is the same.  The struggle is the same.  Not knowing will keep everyone unbiased and hopefully introspective.  That old serenity prayer that everyone knows... I finally get it.  It's about external influence, but it's also about self discovery. There are things I have always known about myself that I accept because they're easy and they're nice.  The truly difficult part is confronting the things I don't a...

It wasn't until yesterday as I was speaking with a college rep that I realized my passion for geology and storytelling have endless parallels.  No wonder I love them both.  Let's see if I can put it into words. In Geology sediments stack up and are compressed to form sedimentary rocks.  The Law of Superposition states that older sediments will be beneath younger sediments.  Simple.  Common sense.  Now, using knowledge of various natural processes we can determine how the rocks formed, what they were before, what the weather and the atmosphere was like.  The general ages of the layers give a timeline to those processes.  The processes shape the rocks and they can tell a story about the past.  So can we.  So can everything else in nature.  If we understand what we are looking at and what rules made it happen.  What are our rules? Storytelling for me is no different.  The environment of a story is made up of the other cha...

Right around dinner time it started to pour down rain at my house.  We watched it while we ate and decided splashing in a few puddles would be the best dessert ever!  So, out we went.  Just as I was grabbing my camera the sun came out, but it was still raining.  Rainbow?!?!?!?!!  YES!!   Josh called on his way home from work and said "go up the driveway, I can see a double rainbow right over our neighborhood".  And here I was excited enough about the tiny bit I caught from the house. Josh pulled onto our street so we turned to head back to the house and just then the sky opened up and rain poured onto my kids as they were running down the driveway in the setting sun.  It was so beautiful.  I have never been so sure that God is in the rain :)  I was also reminded of a Bob Marley quote "some people feel the rain, others just get wet".  We definitely felt the rain today! Apparently I was supposed to see all this because...