Tales of a Lonely Army Wife No More

I believe the main reason bullying has become such a problem is our continued mistreatment of children.  We are bullies to them.  We are sarcastic and cynical and disrespectful.  We lord our power over them.  We hit them.  We say everything we want, however we want, as loud as we want, and tell them they cannot respond similarly.  We tell them how they feel and how they should feel.  We tell them what their intentions are.  We don't ask them or help them think through these complicated issues.  We don't practice patience.  We publicly shame them.  We don't trust them or have faith in their abilities.  We tell them what they can wear and say and when they can eat, sleep, even go to the bathroom.  It's insane.  We say "you can be anything", but our actions are fear-filled and insecure and opposite our words.  We give them no autonomy or control over their own lives.

This is especially true during middle school years, when kids are earnestly trying to become in…

My suffering is justice
Makes sense
Brings balance
In this place that takes heroes
And leaves enemies in palaces

I'm left to wonder what "hero" is
If honor is real
If justice is swift
Or... what if

We're all out of control
There's nothing we can do
To right or to wrong
No weak
No strong
IS... with no value
Added to one over another
Can this be it?

NO
I'm meant to suffer

There's order
Decisions, control
Right side, wrong side
Heaven and hell

There's better than
There's greater than
There's evil and good
There's purpose to pain
Gravity to gravity

A good fight

A moral stand

I must be right




But... Trista


And Rock


And Dan



NO

My suffering is justice
Makes sense
Brings balance
In this place that takes heroes
And leaves enemies in palaces

Someone warned me not to light up because I'm liable to get sniped
Light makes you a target to the enemy
They told me it was too bright
Keep it to yourself
Be humble
Don't draw attention
Tone it down so they don't get jealous

What's the point of light
If not to shine
Light shines for all, not just the bearer
It spreads into darkness and uncloaks all its secrets
It doesn't discriminate, it flows from all angles
It's not meant for just one

Jealousy isn't my responsibility
Shining is
I am a light

When I was little I hated puking so much that once I wouldn't open my mouth, thinking that would somehow stop the inevitable.  It didn't.  Sure burned my nose though.  I still hate purging.  I'd rather suffer for longer than have a painful build-up and then a violent purge followed by general feeling of wellness.  Whatever!  I can handle the pain for longer if it means feeling a little more in control!

I need to vent, and I apparently need to vent to a crowd so that my throat and neck stop throbbing.  I don't want to.  I hate this.  I loathe this exercise so much.  I feel like I've done this so many times, but nothing changes.  I hate complaining, even if it's about MYSELF.

I have typed probably 15 emails or texts or messages to people this week that I won't send.  Why?  Because I'm SURE these people don't want to have anything to do with me whatsoever.  Why?  I DON'T KNOW!!!

I was told just this month that I'm really bright, I know "ev…

I am going to march with my fellow scientists on April 22nd, and for many great reasons. Here are a few.

It was discovered in 1929 that lead was poisonous in paint... however, lobbyists fought science on it until 1978 when it was finally banned. It killed thousands of people, mostly children. They blamed it on parents. They said science wasn't proving without a doubt that lead was bad. They wanted to force laws on science that are incredibly restrictive and unreasonable. They are doing this now with our food and our environment.

Food corporations spend billions of dollars lobbying to keep themselves in business by encouraging the government to use old or unsound science (that was bought and paid for) instead of the hundreds of well-researched and articulated studies done by independent laboratories. They employ lawyers to whittle down scientific studies... lawyers. Not scientists. They argue over syntax, not content. Their main goal is economics, not health. It is a dee…

You never see the lonely
They hide in plain sight
The floor below in Boyden
With the tables packed and loud
Hovering above, playing their
Symphonies of belonging.
The lonely sit among the statues
The cold and silent stone
The unwanted doppelgangers of Rome
Below the echo of laughs like thunder
Muffled conversations gather like clouds
And rain down
An added reminder
That there's nothing here
Nothing but the lonely
As those who belong
Collect their stories on Olympus
Here I am
Non-traditional
Forgotten and old.

It's been awhile since I posted, but I have been keeping up with my creativity challenge.  Today I finally rearranged and hung up framed photos that have been patiently waiting in my basement since we moved here 4 years ago.  I was trying to come up with ideas on what to place in some giant poster frames we've had laying around and I reopened 2005-2007, the years Josh was gone.

I thought it would be kinda cool to collage everything I had saved, which was everything we wrote each other while he was away.  Romantic, right?  I started reading a few notes from flowers he had sent me "home soon, babe. i love you." and I was right back in that hell of missing him.  I bawled immediately and didn't read anything else.  It took me by surprise that I still have such a strong emotional response after all this time.  Such a tiny little message.  I feel every hopeful, pain-filled word.  I see my yellow walls, my blue cabinets in the kitchen, and the bouquet of fresh cut flow…