This is My Forties

I just completed a 14.44 mile solo hike for my 44th birthday. I came here and found this old gem from 2021. When I was just starting to get into hiking more and trying to expand my confidence zone : https://blogunta.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-seven-mile-solo-hike.html I had therapy today and I just identified that a lot of the journaling I was doing before my divorce was me trying to un-feel things or change how I felt, fix how I felt, convince myself to feel something else. I would vent onto the page over and over and over about the same damned things and then talk myself out of it, make it my fault, make it about something I needed to grow into. I for sure needed to grow... and that will never stop. But, reading a lot of my old writing now I just want to scream at myself " you aren't crazy! he's a lying, manipulative, emotionally abusive narcissist! it's NOT YOU, it's HIM! GO!! ". This section from that post: My inner voice mutes the accomplishments, downgrades ...

Since I take all my photos with my phone, I was trying to use the blogger app to do the 365in2024 posts, but the photos would be rotated and there was no way to fix it in the app or on the desktop version. I lack patience and time for shit like that. So, I uploaded them to a flickr album instead... with no words. At least I kinda did it ;)

Tuesday, January 16th - more snow and a cotton candy sunset. It wasn't much, but the ice beneath and timing of the snow itself  meant a snow day for the kids! Now that they're teenagers, that precious time is spent catching up on sleep, which makes working from home pretty easy for me. Wednesday, January 17th - the morning light changes throughout the year as the earth moves around the sun. In winter, it peeks in through my living room window and spotlights the entertainment center in warm light.  Thursday, January 18th - Braved the inch of ice on the ground to attend a legislative reception in Annapolis with my coworkers/friends. We spent the day networking, laughing, and planning to save our little section of the Chesapeake Bay watershed here in Southern Maryland. Friday, January 19th - Jug Bay snow day!!! The weather report called for snow to begin falling as school was supposed to just be getting started, so they announced cl...

Thursday, January 11th - Brennan spent the evening making homemade kimchi. Thanks to youtube university and TikTok, this generation feels informed and empowered to try new things.  Friday, January 12th - Binge watching Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. I had started it before, but wasn't a fan (bad timing in my own life). Now I love it! Saturday, January 13th - Weekend site visit for a coastal erosion project. These professional wetland ecologists are the best in the business, but they don't ever talk down to anyone. Fabulous people.  Sunday, January 14th - New hobby supplies. Brennan has been getting into crochet and he tried teaching me. I failed miserably, but I'll keep trying! I also took him to Marshalls and was able find him an entire winter wardrobe... so many fluffy blue sweaters and all things coquette.  Pretty much the opposite of me 😏 Monday, January 15th - First dusting of snow! Got to spend a little extra ti...

Sunday, January 21 - just hanging out on the couch with Brennan while he crochets a sweater for himself. He already made clothes for his build-a-bear Pompompurin. Monday, January 22 - enjoying the fruits of Brennan's labor over the weekend: homemade tomato soup. I love that my kids cook! Tuesday, January 23 - a site visit to Endeavor Point in Benedict. Right around the corner from me. Despite the gorgeous photo, there was a lot of erosion issues here. I've been seeing this all along the Patuxent River. Wednesday, January 24 - Waiting for my therapy appointment. I've been going to therapy for over two years now. Best money ever spent. Thursday, January 25 - that look you get when you turn on your phone and the camera is facing the wrong way. How many chins can YOU make? Rough... am I brave to share? Sure 😆

Saturday, January 6th - Started the day with a rainy memorial, ended it with a homecooked meal and a game of Wingspan with good friends. Sunday, January 7th - Brennan was in a baking and cooking mood so he whipped up a layered dessert. He even made the pudding from scratch. It was delicious. Monday, January 8th - I thought this bell pepper looked like a nose so... why not. It's Monday. Tuesday, January 9th - I work in the environmental field so I do a lot of site visits for my job. Mostly for erosion and flooding issues. It happened to be right before a big storm so I was able to snap a lot of photos to include in our grant proposal that justify the need for a shoreline project here. The storm eventually came through and flooded the entire area. We also lost power for about 4 hours. We had plenty of camp lights and hobbies to get through those hours. Wednesday, January 10th - The only aftermath of the storm at our house wa...

Mon, Jan 1: Tristan and I welcoming 2024 with some drama.  Tue, Jan 2: A short hike at Jug Bay. This poor water snake came out of hibernation while warm Gulf air was keeping everything in the 60's, but that soon disappeared and it froze to death. Unfortunately, we've been seeing this more often as climate change causes extreme variations in temperature.  Wed, Jan 3: Armed with a gifted old cigar box, I started experimenting with my new crafting tool, an engraving pen I got for Christmas. Thu, Jan 4: Charlie's morning meds for his arthritis. He's 14yrs old now and has trouble getting around but he perks up with excitement for his "treats". He spends most of his time sleeping on his giant bed. Fri, Jan 5: Great work event followed by an in-home happy hour and dinner with a close friend. I fucking love my life and the people I share it with ❤️ 

So much has happened since I stopped writing in 2021. I stopped planning and started DOING in earnest. I landed a BIG job as an Executive Director of a local nonprofit. I am allowing myself to see me as an important and influential person, someone with worth and value to offer my community. It started with some terrified feelings and literal sweating my first few weeks. But now I am nearly 2 years in and loving it. I have grown into the position and didn't quit. I have days where I still question my abilities and the Board for hiring me... but, the impostor syndrome is mostly gone. I have had to face uncomfortable truths about myself as a professional, but I did it without a prolonged collapse or otherwise embarrassing childish reaction. I have grown. With 20 years of marriage down, we filed for divorce. After years of twisting myself in knots trying to be happy with only being who I thought he wanted, I realized it wasn't what I wanted... and that mattered . I realized that h...

I've been researching, reading about, diving into, writing about, and thinking about building confidence and self-trust for about 8 years now. It's time to get more intentional and active about it. I think I'm ready to move into that phase finally. I have a tendency to take in information and keep mulling it over, writing and expounding upon this that and the other, but now it's time for an actual plan. An action plan. I understand the problem as much as I can from the outside looking in. Now it's time to create learning opportunities: to make mistakes and deal with the consequences or to achieve something and deal with the praise. That's the next phase of learning... doing . So today I am creating a specific list of tasks that I have to do in the months ahead that specifically target insecurities and seek to force me to deal with the reality of those insecurities. The goal is to be able to build resilience  by proving my old voices wrong with a stack of accompl...

This month I suffered a "collapse" at some point... I have only a basic idea when, and I am struggling to pull myself back out of it. It's the same as last time I suffered a collapse, but I'm a little more connected with the present this time and for that I should be proud (more on that later).  For those that don't know what a collapse is, it's not a mental breakdown . Collapses are when you feel like your self-esteem and self-worth bubble has been popped and it immediately disappears. Collapses are what narcissists go through when they are wounded. It's also what children who were raised by narcissists go through due to their sensitivity to criticism, having been criticized their entire lives.  With me, a collapse is followed by a period of being unable to name my emotions or connect with them at all (dissociation), beating myself up about not being better/different/enough (but not realizing that is what I am doing), outwardly focusing on others to try ...