This is My Forties

"Truth is not a thing, it is a constantly shifting balance of multiple interconnected realities. It is ever-changing, cyclically-building, interdependent, and infinite in nature." (Allison Burnett, 2019) Found this in my journal.  I don't remember being this insightful!  Sometimes I write things in the present that end up inspiring my future self.  I have quotes on my wall that I swap out once in awhile, and I haven't had quotes from others in a really long time.  Years.  I think that's pretty cool.  I started out with quotes from others, and now I inspire and motivate myself.  This is me and this is where I am.  My current quote wall: One object at a time.  One layer at a time.  One room at a time Growth mindset from classroom.  To closed system lab.  To practical application. All were inspired by my own life and the realizations I had from my experiences :)  For anyone who doesn't know what " growth mindset " is, ...

It's been awhile since I posted, but I have been keeping up with my creativity challenge.  Today I finally rearranged and hung up framed photos that have been patiently waiting in my basement since we moved here 4 years ago.  I was trying to come up with ideas on what to place in some giant poster frames we've had laying around and I reopened 2005-2007, the years Josh was gone. I thought it would be kinda cool to collage everything I had saved, which was everything we wrote each other while he was away.  Romantic, right?  I started reading a few notes from flowers he had sent me "home soon, babe. i love you." and I was right back in that hell of missing him.  I bawled immediately and didn't read anything else.  It took me by surprise that I still have such a strong emotional response after all this time.  Such a tiny little message.  I feel every hopeful, pain-filled word.  I see my yellow walls, my blue cabinets in the kitchen, and the bou...

I am hoarding negative thoughts.  I call it hoarding because that's exactly what it is.  If you've ever watched "Hoarders" you know what I'm talking about.  These people live in piles of trash that make them miserable, but they just can't let go of them... because they have come up with one good reason to keep every single piece of filth and that is the only thing that matters.  Their health doesn't matter.  Their families don't matter.  Their comfort and happiness don't matter.  They cannot let go of any of it because it's helping them hide, but they think they're keeping it because it's all useful.  They are trapped in a delusional state, which is making them miserable.  Logically they know they need to change something, but the self-denial, defensiveness, and anger is stronger than logic. Over the past few years I have actually rid myself of tons of trash, but there is still more!  It's the really old stuff at the bottom, the v...

Allison,      I see you think you've been busy lately.  You haven't really done anything at all.  What do you do all day... sit around on your ass.  You think you've accomplished something?!  What?  You finally entered your photography into some things and they were accepted... smallest possible stages ever.  Means nothing.  You are writing finally... on your tiny little blog that no one cares about, preaching to people like you even know what the hell you're talking about.  Do you think you're better than people?  You're ridiculous.  You're a coward and you're lazy.  People say your art is good to not hurt your feelings.  Why would you take their compliments.  You're a pathetic person who's too afraid to try, and rightly so.  You fantasize about National Geographic and traveling... when you lived in Spain you barely left the house.  You were too much of a coward to speak Spanish, and you still...

Last week I suddenly sprang awake at 4am and HAD to write.  I began writing a list of 10 self-limiting behaviors I have faced and changed over the past few years.  I scoffed that I felt like Moses receiving the 10 commandments or something, how immediate and necessary it felt... so much so that god woke me up at 4am!  Then I kept it all to myself.  I knew I was supposed to share it, but whatever.  I chickened out.  Then I had a very obvious dream last night that I put on 10 nicotine patches all over my torso and hid them under a shirt.  As I sat there I got ill because the drug was overflowing my system.  I knew it was about those realizations.  So, here are the ten lessons I've learned (among so many) and am still fighting to detox from my mind.  Hopefully, if you're guilty of any of these you will be able to face them and change too.  Or, if you aren't guilty, you will know me better.  I would like everyone who knew me then ...