The Saboteur

Allison,

     I see you think you've been busy lately.  You haven't really done anything at all.  What do you do all day... sit around on your ass.  You think you've accomplished something?!  What?  You finally entered your photography into some things and they were accepted... smallest possible stages ever.  Means nothing.  You are writing finally... on your tiny little blog that no one cares about, preaching to people like you even know what the hell you're talking about.  Do you think you're better than people?  You're ridiculous.  You're a coward and you're lazy.  People say your art is good to not hurt your feelings.  Why would you take their compliments.  You're a pathetic person who's too afraid to try, and rightly so.  You fantasize about National Geographic and traveling... when you lived in Spain you barely left the house.  You were too much of a coward to speak Spanish, and you still are.  You make me sick.  I can't stand you.  Face reality.  You aren't memorable.  You have accomplished nothing.  You are boring and pathetic.  You had to beg your professor to write that recommendation letter for you, which was some copy paste bullshit he's probably done a billion times... like he knows you.  You are worthless.  You're a whiny little shit.  Grow up already.  Stop thinking you're an artist or whatever the hell it is... writer? photographer? traveler? scientist? What are you really.  You're a scared housewife with nothing to offer who relies on her husband for everything.  He doesn't even love you anyway.  He tolerates you because he gets to see you naked.  He thinks you're a drain and a wimp.  Quit being an idiot.

-the Saboteur

PS: that table is sooooo ugly and poorly made... really, it's embarrassing

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You're probably thinking what the heck is this?! well... it's the voice inside my head that I hear sometimes.  The Saboteur.  We all have a saboteur that tells us we aren't good enough in some area of our lives.  Mine is in the area of occupation, (mental) health & creativity.  I figure if I let him vent he'll finally shut up and let me stop minimizing all my little victories, maybe give me a break from berating myself long enough to do one thing I am proud of and STAY PROUD OF IT.

I am in the process of enrolling into an honor's college for their ecology program.  Intellectually, I know I am great at these things and I will do really well in school.  Who else do I know that collects water samples and identifies micro-organisms for fun or watches every nature documentary, reads books and scientific papers on evolutionary biology, and enrolls in free classes online to learn more and more.  No one.  But, still... when it came time to actually ask a professor for a letter of recommendation I got terrified of not being accepted or remembered or worthy.  That's why it took me a year to finally get it done.  The Saboteur is why I don't do a lot of things.  Fear.  Fear of not being good enough, of being criticized, of being good enough and then being in the spotlight when I fail, being successful and having it turn me into someone everyone hates.  I am very creative when it comes to finding things to be afraid of hahaha.  I read the letter my former professor wrote for me yesterday and when I got to the phrase "among 10,000+ students I have taught, Allison is in the top few percent" I could hear the Saboteur... oh please, he's written that same thing a million times; he doesn't mean it.  I even said it out loud!  I still don't feel this describes me, but it's starting to become less ridiculous.  I'm apparently incapable of accepting a compliment right now, which I had no idea about until it whacked me over the head suddenly.  As per usual haha.

It's not a fun reality, knowing this guy is there.  But, he's always there.  He's Jafar, poisoning and hypnotizing the Sultan in "Aladdin".  He's Robert Deniro in "This Boy's Life".  He's Wormtongue to King Theoden from "Lord of the Rings".  He's the Trunchbull to Miss Honey in "Matilda".  He's Wizard in "August Rush".  He's the Dursleys in "Harry Potter".  Everyone knows this guy.  He's the one that tries to convince me that I have no magic, no talent, and no purpose.  He's the one who tries to control me with fear while touting himself as the expert.  He's a snake oil salesman.  He gives me my brilliant skepticism, but I definitely have to keep him in check.  He tells me not to trust anyone but him, and it's a real struggle to keep him balanced.  But, I figured out a while ago that writing confessionals like this really help me to overcome.  My writer/poet is what balances his influence.  So again I'm bringing this shadow out into the light.  I know I get a lot of benefit from the Saboteur, but sometimes I wish he'd just shut his damn mouth for like one second and let me enjoy an accomplishment lol. 

This isn't a cry for help or a call for compliments.  I am very aware that those second-guesses are not based in fact and I am getting rid of them.  Takes a little time and patience is all.  I have to replace them with the reality of every statement and just keep doing it.  Blogging is one of the things I have to do to recover.  This is what happens when you're crawling out of a hole, you find some bumps and bruises that need attention as you get closer to the light.  No biggie.  It just... is.  It might sound scary or extreme, but it really isn't to me.  Being honest loses its terrifying edge once you get used to doing it.  I know I'm not the only one with an angry gremlin in their head spewing insults.  I don't try to silence the parts of me I might not like because it doesn't work.  I just try to balance them out with the parts I do like.  Everything is useful when used properly, but too much of anything is bad.  Balance, balance, balance.