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Learn... Change

"Learn... Change"

No matter how much you know
How well you eat
How safe you are
How aware you become
There is chaos
And it will come

It will swallow you up
Erase you
Drain you
It will take your feet
And force you to your knees
And remind you of the truth

You have no control

We can understand every law
But we can't stop gravity
We can cure an illness
But we still get sick

The one pure truth
Is that control is an illusion
A delusion we all suffer
We're just managing our symptoms
While learning to recover

Chaos is at the heart of change
Impossible to avoid
Prepare for the storm because it is wise
But remember
Preparation is not protection
It's just how we survive

Be ready for the chaos
Develop the tools to recover
But remember to embrace the lessons
All chaos has to offer

The point is to learn
The point is to change

It's not a punishment
It just is

It's not personal
It just exists

You don't fall because gravity didn't like what you did
You fall beca…

July

Josh has been gone a lot and I keep telling myself it's silly to be sad.  He's just right over in Virginia, it's only for a week or two.  We've done this for far longer.  Stop it.  Stop it.  Stop it.  So, I started getting depressed and I tend to binge watch reality TV when that happens.  Hoarders sucked me in this time.  Then suddenly I realized parallels.  I have turned some of my emotions into hoarders.  I might not have walls of trash everywhere, but I have a million excuses why I won't allow myself to be sad or why I should be afraid of something or not trust someone.  Why I need to keep control.  It's all happening in my mind.  "This is still good, I can't throw it out... I had plans for it"... and it just hit me like a flash (while I was in the tub, of course).  So I wrote about what I felt.  Then I stopped thinking myself out of it and let myself be sad and cry about Josh being gone.  I feel much much better now.  Not depressed at all.  S…

"Oh My God"

July 22, 2015

Trying to describe what god is to me is like
Trying to remember a dream the moment I awaken
The harder I try, the more it fades
Until I find the balance between conscious and not
Just read the emotions and the glimpses
Without active thought
Then some comes back to me
Enough to understand the message

Or it's like
When a smell brings on a memory
It's never one thing specifically
It's the concept of it, the feelings it contained
I smell and remember the summer of 1992
Grandma's kitchen in Warren
My Dad on a Sunday
My Mom's house at Christmas
I just have to let it wash over me
It's instant and all-consuming
It doesn't run slow like a movie
And it's only mine

That's how god feels to me
It's that glimpse, that memory
So deeply profound and personal
From the innermost folds of my mind
And I can't begin to convey its worth

God isn't an individual or an entity for me
It's an experience, too big to explain, impossible to contain

What Marriage Has Reminded Me About Myself

Josh and I met because we were destined to meet.  We were laughing the other day about our circumstances beforehand.  What clueless kids we were!  I was pissed off for being assigned to Spanish. I was better than that, capable of far greater challenges, completely devastated by this silly little existence.  Josh was re-classed from SERE school (AF special forces) into munitions and he was pissed off for being undervalued and having his talents wasted, devastated by this silly little existence.  We thought we were so damned amazing.  Of course we had to be together.  We had to teach each other lessons about how we fail miserably and how we can succeed.  I already knew all these things about myself, but I never recognized their power to destroy or maintain a relationship.  Your personality is like a toolbox... if you use the tools correctly you get the job done, but if you try to saw wood with a screwdriver you're in for a lot of pain and frustration.

1. I am impatient
We only dated …

A Day in the Life: Mommy

:: found this in my drafts folder, always thought it was too boring to post it, but I read it and I guess it's been long enough for me to think it's funny lol... life with toddlers is tough!! goes with these little gems ::

September, 2010

I was talking with Josh and mentioned my Day in the Life posts. I said there really was no point of doing a day in MY life when it's pretty obvious from the others what I do all day. It would be boring... "you might think it's boring, but the way you write makes it sound exciting"... I love him :) He's so nice lol. Now, normally our days aren't so routined and monotonous, but since we lack transportation we've become little robot hermits here. It's been 5 months since I had a vehicle at home. Most days I go a little crazy with the boredom and lack of spontaneity or adult conversation. Thankfully I have a good friend out here so we hang out a lot or at least talk on the phone almost daily. Thank you, Je…

United Victims of America

Yesterday I was reminded of something I noticed about our society quite some time ago.  George Takei had posted an article of comics depicting sexism that's thrust upon boys.  I agree.  I have 3 boys and I see how they are pressured to fit into this macho mold.  That's not what I want to talk about though... that moment closed the circle for me.

We started bringing light to how society belittles, stereotypes, bullies, misunderstands, mistreats, and undervalues people a long time ago.  It really kicked in with the civil rights movement and feminism in the 60's.  Our downtrodden members fought for the understanding and compassion they deserved by sharing their stories, with the intent to draw out our empathy.  It worked beautifully, but I feel it created a dangerous side-effect.  We became a nation obsessed with victim-hood.  Suffering became the barometer by which we measured the value of a person's opinion or worth.  If you haven't suffered, we're not listenin…

The Illusion of Control

I spend an inordinate amount of time out in nature and, like Einstein so aptly suggested, it helps me "understand everything better".  Lately the lesson I have been shown over and over again is how arrogant we are as humans.  For no real reason that I can think of other than our desire to be in control, we write off most of our behaviors to choice.  Why?

It makes no sense to think nothing we do (other than suckling) is pre-programmed into our DNA like every other animal and living thing on the planet.  Some of the most bizarre and amazing behaviors exist in other living things... like the bowerbird that constructs beautiful works of art to attract a mate (without ever being taught).  The poisonous frogs that live in the rainforest that dutifully carry their tadpoles one by one to a specific  kind of plant and feeds them until they grow legs.  The octopus that starves herself to death for 6 months to protect her eggs.  You can watch these and more on Netflix, a great little s…

Pick it Up

Taking credit for my art
Would be like claiming control over my height
I just have it, so I do it
You see
The positive aspects, I brush aside
Give them over to chance, god, circumstance
The negative ones, though, they're all mine
I clutch onto them like an addict
My drugs
Obsessing over the parts of me I despise
Imagining control over their creation and demise

I cannot see my value today
I struggle to un-focus my eyes
To see me as a whole
Not just the parts that are broken
Hanging
Dragging
Scraping
Festering
As I try to run from them

If I would just pick them up
Accept them as they are
I could find a way to carry them on
To keep moving
To allow their added weight 
     to strengthen me
God help me

Wounded

07/11/15
I used to relish my pain Displayed it like a prize Framed it, laminated it Showed it to everyone Told its story Like it was my child It defined me It excused me It kept me hidden And blameless I was proud of it Like it made me special Thought it was conquered Through experiencing it This is never the case So it made me sick Eventually I saw I took it down from my walls And am healing... but... Sometimes I miss... it's just It's hard to quit

Words Words Words

I want to write words that can sing
Carry you off in their meaning
Or ones that sit in your gut like gravel
Grinding at your core until you can finally
Understand

I want words that can paint the perfect picture
Draw metaphors that transport you into another's shoes
The geese, the path less taken, the caged bird

I want to pull you in close like we're sharing a secret


just you and me


quietly


gently


effortlessly


whisper


That one perfect thing that awakens you

The flame
The seed
That's what I want my words to be.

I want to find words that attach to your heart
And make it pound
     and ache
       and skip

I want to write words that can finally fill
That empty space
You hadn't known was there in the first place

I want to confuse you with
Hidden
Me an in G
Send you h----u....n-t---ing
M-a-k-e y-o-u slow down and t-h-i-n-k
About what you're avoiding.

I want words that have exceptional power
Grand, rushing, tidal waves
That can melt stone
Or topple mountains
Destroy entir…

Haircut

5/22/2015

It's not just a haircut
It's a promise to myself
It's a release
It's me allowing ME
To show myself

It's adopting the attitude
Of the confident, the proud
The artists
The lesbians
The black women
The feminists
The punk rockers
All the defiant women
Who say "we know you don't accept us
But, we accept us
And that's all that matters".
I've admired them for 19 years
I am these women

It's more than a haircut
It's a promise to myself
To stop being a victim
Stop hiding within myself
To unapologetically
And openly
And honestly
Live MY life
Without limits placed by others
Without pressures enforced by others

It's about me letting ME speak
And live
And be
And it scares the shit out of me
But, I'm ready
I can't wait to be free
Be the badass I want to be
I can do it
It's always been in me.

Lost and Found

5/8/2015

I missed the feel of it
I missed the look of my own handwriting
Creeping over the page
Unplanned and in pen
A permanent record of
One
Tiny
Thought
Given the importance of being written

What Slavery Did and What We Still Do

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Yes, that slavery.  I know... I can feel the collective chest tightening as you get a little scared for me, a white girl, trying to talk about this topic.  She's going to put her foot in her mouth!  What's going to happen!  What makes me qualified to talk about this?  I live in the USA and I have access to our history.  Mostly, though... I WANT to.  I'm tired of feeling like we're separate.  I am done being quiet.  We need some honesty and some introspection.  I am so so so tired of this racism and silence and I realize I'm part of the problem if I keep my views to myself.  "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" - MLK

Disclaimer :: I KNOW this won't apply to all people.  I'm talking about the general separation that we keep between us, black and white. Where did it come from?  Why is it so regional? I speak from my own personal experience.  If you don't have this experience I am honestly very happy for you! 

Mother's Day Resolution

On this day we appreciate and show gratitude for all those special women in our lives.  We recognize, as a whole country, the importance of the role of "mother".  So, it was interesting that I had an attack of self-loathing yesterday while we were celebrating early.  I don't deserve this.  I'm worthless, weak, a coward, a failure, lumpy and bumpy, crooked, broken <>.  It happens once in awhile.  It lasted until the morning despite my efforts (and Josh's) to help me process the REALITY from the emotional conditioning I've heaped onto myself over these 33 years of life.  It helped a little, but still I was feeling very guarded this morning.  Then I decided to write about it instead.  Here's what leaked out onto the page and liberated me from feeling worthless.  Maybe you can draw some insight or inspiration.  We all do it, or have done it at some point in time.

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As a writer I look a…

Rose Garden

The flowers
Had a meeting today
They decided one type
Makes a better display
You may have been orange and tall by design
But we want only red and short
On vines
So one by one each type was cut
Until only roses were left

But

The garden wasn't made for the garden
The flowers don't exist for themselves
The bees and the birds were missing their perch
And the foxes suffered as well
Nothing alive is pointless
The weed, the bug, or you
We each have a role before us
And we exist for it as we do
When roses decide you're unwelcome
Remember you were never a rose
And even the weed is important
Realize your role and grow

Random Scientific Musings

In any given day I have quite a few questions go through my head... much like a big toddler.  I always catch myself looking at something outside and suddenly going "now wait a minute WHY is it like that?!".  Or I'll be at school and have to jot down all my big questions during lessons so I can look them up later.  Lately my questions have been profound enough that google doesn't have the answers for me.  Here's a few that have been trapped in my brain, looking for hints to their big answers while I live my life.  Trying to figure out how much further and deeper I can take a question and apply it to something practical.

- Why do sycamore trees shed their bark in winter?  What is the evolutionary reason?  Does it provide a benefit?  Is it just a random mutation?  There are 3 main hypotheses as to why, but none have been tested.
- Both plants and animals evolved the ability to live independently of water at the same time... plants started making seeds, amphibians le…

My Big Ten

Last week I suddenly sprang awake at 4am and HAD to write.  I began writing a list of 10 self-limiting behaviors I have faced and changed over the past few years.  I scoffed that I felt like Moses receiving the 10 commandments or something, how immediate and necessary it felt... so much so that god woke me up at 4am!  Then I kept it all to myself.  I knew I was supposed to share it, but whatever.  I chickened out.  Then I had a very obvious dream last night that I put on 10 nicotine patches all over my torso and hid them under a shirt.  As I sat there I got ill because the drug was overflowing my system.  I knew it was about those realizations.  So, here are the ten lessons I've learned (among so many) and am still fighting to detox from my mind.  Hopefully, if you're guilty of any of these you will be able to face them and change too.  Or, if you aren't guilty, you will know me better.  I would like everyone who knew me then to know me now.

1. When people disagree with yo…

Climbing Mountains

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The past couple months have been difficult for me on a very personal level.  Apparently all my studies and personal growth over the last couple years were preparing me for this huge task of confronting my inadequacies, accepting them, and learning how to live with the knowledge that I may never truly change certain aspects of myself.  In keeping with my desire for truth I'm not going to share with anyone my real fears.  It doesn't matter.  What matters is that they exist and I'm working on them.  No matter what it is the process is the same.  The struggle is the same.  Not knowing will keep everyone unbiased and hopefully introspective.  That old serenity prayer that everyone knows... I finally get it.  It's about external influence, but it's also about self discovery.


There are things I have always known about myself that I accept because they're easy and they're nice.  The truly difficult part is confronting the things I don't accept, which are the m…

Beaches in Winter

Growing up in a landlocked state like Ohio means that I am fascinated with beaches.  A beach in winter to me is like some kind of bizarre unnatural spectacle that must be seen.  So, I went to check out my local beach in winter.

There are waves crashing into ice-covered driftwood, you guys.  For me it was like watching a ferocious lion play with a baby hamster or something.  The juxtaposition of winter in a "summer place" made me giddy.  It was cool.



I saw seagulls sliding around on a frozen lagoon.  They would glide overhead, land and slide around a bit, and then they slammed their beaks into the ice to break through and grab what little morsels they had spotted from the air.  I saw ice sheets covering the sand with ripples in them.

I saw shells filled with slush.  I can't wait to go back when there's snow... snow on the sand.  That's just crazy talk!  It was a lot of fun for me (if you couldn't tell).  Hopefully my editing conveys the sense of contrast and…