Mother's Day Resolution

On this day we appreciate and show gratitude for all those special women in our lives.  We recognize, as a whole country, the importance of the role of "mother".  So, it was interesting that I had an attack of self-loathing yesterday while we were celebrating early.  I don't deserve this.  I'm worthless, weak, a coward, a failure, lumpy and bumpy, crooked, broken <>.  It happens once in awhile.  It lasted until the morning despite my efforts (and Josh's) to help me process the REALITY from the emotional conditioning I've heaped onto myself over these 33 years of life.  It helped a little, but still I was feeling very guarded this morning.  Then I decided to write about it instead.  Here's what leaked out onto the page and liberated me from feeling worthless.  Maybe you can draw some insight or inspiration.  We all do it, or have done it at some point in time.

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As a writer I look at a cicada and see
Inspiration, absolute amazement, beautiful mystery
I can write a sonnet to a snake
Have a meaningful conversation with a tree
I see the beauty in the swamp
And feel at peace among the smell of decaying leaves
Because I know what it means

As an artist I look at every crack and line
Every pit and shadow from every bump on a cliff face
And feel awe
The structure of it, the chaos beside it, dancing together
I can see the message in an abandoned building
Draw inspiration from the sadness
Hope from the disaster
Gratitude for the imperfection

Then there's the mirror
I can't see my curves and lines, pits and shadows
I can't see the poetry in my breasts or thighs
I don't feel inspiration or awe when I'm faced with me
Well

That makes no sense

No more

Allow

I'm going to allow my poet
To look at me
I'm going to allow my artist
To see me
And show me

I'm going to allow myself
To feel gratitude for my imperfections

See their beauty

See their lessons

My artist and my poet
Are my best friends, my teachers
We'll do it together

Amazement, gratitude, awe, peace, faith, love, happiness, inspiration...
We'll find them in that damn mirror
I'll be as awestruck with me
As I am with a tree

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