This is My Forties

In 2013 I was given an amazing gift.  I found a friend who introduced me to new ideas and perspectives, who had been through her own problems and understood how to get better.  I started seeing a therapist.  The first day of therapy I was given 2 simple tasks that sent me into anxiety attacks.  I have used them on a yearly basis ever since!  Here's what they are and what I do with them. 1. The VIA survey of character strengths test that I have taken every year to assess who I think I am, how it has changed, and if I'm seeing myself honestly.  I have also given it to my kids so that I can know how they see themselves and how to better support them.  The site is free and they store all your past tests for you.  There are tons of other questionnaires on the site that are helpful as well.  All from the emerging field of positive psychology. If I feel like I'm fine with my top 5 and bottom 5 I know I am doing well.   If I feel ...

I had such a bizarre week.  One part of me was super excited about the next chapter, but the other part of me was terrified and negative.  I have to defend my ideas for several new ventures both in school for myself, and for unschooling for the kids.  OMG can I just quit instead?  This is like a nightmare for me!  Here's my dumb brain: I can't possibly do anything right.  I've never done anything right.  Everything I have been researching is wrong.  All my realizations are wrong.  I focus on roadblocks, not opportunities.  I see myself being defeated and unable to accomplish anything.  I am not finding the light at the end of the tunnel anymore.  I catch myself being an ass in my classes.  I don't want to talk to anyone or work with anyone.  I'm certain I will face criticism from anyone I talk openly to about my ideas, ambitions, goals, insights, and research on certain topics... so I don't talk at all and then get an...

This is my 872nd post on this blog, and I don't even know what I want to say.  I started writing today because I don't want my whole life or everything I write to just be school assignments or unschooling/kids (that's why I created the unschooling blog ). My first week of the semester is over.  It's gonna be a good one.  I think I am going to be doing a helluva lot of reading and writing, but seeing as this is my 872nd blog post... shouldn't be an issue. When I look back to my first semester and what I wrote on here... I just can't believe how I feel now... or that it's been an entire year since I started back up.  I have little anxiety now, but first semester I was crying damn near every day.  I never felt good enough, stressed about grades and performance, stressed about not belonging.  I wish I could say that was due to my age, but it was all about confidence in my level of intelligence.  I thought everyone was better than me at everything and I...

When I was little I hated puking so much that once I wouldn't open my mouth, thinking that would somehow stop the inevitable.  It didn't.  Sure burned my nose though.  I still hate purging.  I'd rather suffer for longer than have a painful build-up and then a violent purge followed by general feeling of wellness.  Whatever!  I can handle the pain for longer if it means feeling a little more in control! I need to vent, and I apparently need to vent to a crowd so that my throat and neck stop throbbing.  I don't want to.  I hate this.  I loathe this exercise so much.  I feel like I've done this so many times, but nothing changes.  I hate complaining, even if it's about MYSELF. I have typed probably 15 emails or texts or messages to people this week that I won't send.  Why?  Because I'm SURE these people don't want to have anything to do with me whatsoever.  Why?  I DON'T KNOW!!! I was told just this month that...