Exploration of Self: Boundary Development Tools

In 2013 I was given an amazing gift.  I found a friend who introduced me to new ideas and perspectives, who had been through her own problems and understood how to get better.  I started seeing a therapist.  The first day of therapy I was given 2 simple tasks that sent me into anxiety attacks.  I have used them on a yearly basis ever since!  Here's what they are and what I do with them.

1. The VIA survey of character strengths test that I have taken every year to assess who I think I am, how it has changed, and if I'm seeing myself honestly.  I have also given it to my kids so that I can know how they see themselves and how to better support them.  The site is free and they store all your past tests for you.  There are tons of other questionnaires on the site that are helpful as well.  All from the emerging field of positive psychology.

• If I feel like I'm fine with my top 5 and bottom 5 I know I am doing well.  

• If I feel ashamed, embarrassed, defeated etc. about something in my bottom 5, I know it's because I am not acting in an authentic way to be who I truly am.  I am denying my true self and my subconscious is telling me in so many ways that it's something that has to change.  It is a product of not good enough statements.  
• I would say "I'm not good enough at photography" because it's something I actually am good at but am afraid of acknowledging my talent.  However, I wouldn't go around saying "I'm not good enough at painting" because I have little passion or desire for doing it, and it doesn't bother me at all.  If my bottom 5 strengths feel like not good enough statements instead of nonchalant acceptance of fact, then it's a self-awareness and self confidence issue and I come up with actions I can take to improve.  Active process.

• Over time I have compared the re-occurrence of the top and bottom strengths and used this information to know myself better and guide my own personal growth and healing.

• I associate the strengths with archetypes and visualize them acting together as a team in difficult situations.  I call on different strengths to help me get through anxiety or depression and use the information to help pick myself back up when I'm feeling insecure.  They are a reality check.

2. This life satisfaction survey:

1.      What accomplishments do you think must occur in your lifetime so that you will consider your life to have been satisfying and well-lived, a life of few or no regrets?

2.      If there were a secret passion in your life, what would it be?

3.      What do you consider your role to be in your local community?  In your country?  In the world?

4.      If you could devote your life to serving others, and still have the money and lifestyle you needed, would you do it?  How would it look?

5.      If you had a five-year goal for self-betterment, and money was not an object, what would it be?

6.      What’s missing in your life?  What would make it more fulfilling?

7.      Do you believe in God or the concept of a higher power?  If so, describe the most useful and empowering aspects of your relationship with God.  If not, what reference point do you use?

• I could only answer the last question.  I had completely lost sight of who I was as an individual.  It was terrifying at the time.  I had no idea I was so lost because I hadn't been focusing on myself at all.  I had been focusing on how others effected me or how I effected them, but it was not based in self-knowledge or self-awareness... though at the time I felt super justified and in touch with reality.  I had tons of complaints and blame to spread around, but this survey lifted the veil and I finally saw my role in holding myself back.

• It took me years and a ton of work to realize this worksheet reflected personal boundary issues.  I had problems setting and maintaining personal boundaries.  I still struggle to focus on what I actually want, how I feel, and who I am as an individual... some areas are more difficult than others.

• Once I realized I had unclear boundaries, I also realized how it manifested in my life.  In the places where my boundaries had been crossed I had become unhealthy in many ways, including physically.  It was a difficult realization when I saw that I was emotionally abusive to others as well.  I was codependent, had developed obsessive and/or addictive compulsions, avoided conflict, completely changed my mind from one day to the next, dreaded social situations.  I was a mess.

Even more difficult, is establishing how I needed to go about stopping abuse from others.  I was easily able to recognize my own flaws (because who doesn't constantly attack themselves).  But coming to a place where I valued my wants and needs enough to establish boundaries, and to actually believe what I want and need should be respected.  That is still tough for me.  I second guess myself all the time.  I have spent most of my life operating under a combination of defense mechanisms rather than healthy boundary assertion which when left unattended became emotional abuse towards others.  I've been in emotionally abusive relationships for a long time and I can also see my own emotionally abusive behaviors.  I'm finally taking steps to draw lines for myself or end the relationship completely if needed.  As I allow myself to stand up to abuse, I find it far easier not to be guilty of abusing others... imagine that.  

This is a very long process with painful realizations.  It has changed some relationships for the better and completely ended others.  Reaching a clear understanding of relationship dynamics at times has been pretty unsettling and hard to accept.  A great benefit has been an ability to trust the right people with my true self and build healthier, deeper relationships as I get to know my own boundaries.  I sink into fewer depressions when I honor my personal boundaries.  I feel physically healthier.  I also get to start new friendships that are healthy and normal from the very beginning! 

Now I feel like I have established healthy boundaries that have room to grow and change.  They aren't rigid or porous... they're just right.  This workbook is good if you want to work on your personal boundaries.  Give yourself time and space if it's something you plan on attacking.  No change is quick and easy, but boundary building is some of the slowest and most difficult healing I've ever tackled.  It is not comfortable, and I am not done.

Unfortunately the friend who directed me to this healing path didn't make it past a certain point and we drifted apart.  She understood how to get better, but she couldn't take the steps necessary to do it... and I hope eventually she can.  I'm incredibly thankful she was in my life when she was!!  It was divine intervention.