This is My Forties

I am hoarding negative thoughts.  I call it hoarding because that's exactly what it is.  If you've ever watched "Hoarders" you know what I'm talking about.  These people live in piles of trash that make them miserable, but they just can't let go of them... because they have come up with one good reason to keep every single piece of filth and that is the only thing that matters.  Their health doesn't matter.  Their families don't matter.  Their comfort and happiness don't matter.  They cannot let go of any of it because it's helping them hide, but they think they're keeping it because it's all useful.  They are trapped in a delusional state, which is making them miserable.  Logically they know they need to change something, but the self-denial, defensiveness, and anger is stronger than logic. Over the past few years I have actually rid myself of tons of trash, but there is still more!  It's the really old stuff at the bottom, the v...

I find it difficult to maintain my sanity at the end of the day. It always goes the same way... every... single... stinkin'... day. From the hours of 6-8pm I am having the "worst day ever", every day. Lemme break it down for you. All day long the kids are beating each other up, teasing, making messes, all the usual stuff. We get Noah from the bus stop, have a snack, and then the magic begins. It's 6pm, which means I need to start making dinner. It's like someone gave my children a combination rabies/caffeine/pure sugar IV drip. It's always worse when Josh is gone. They act out more and I don't have someone to "tag" for normal referee duties whilst I prepare our gourmet dinner (hahaha). Tristan and Brennan take turns beating up Noah, who makes it a point to wail like the widowed ghost in a crappy horror flick. Then Noah turns on them and starts fighting back and they in turn scream and cry and stomp their feet, taking small breaks to ...

Sometimes I get lost in the blog world and end up hating myself as a mother. I realize most bloggers keep a lot to themselves and won't admit they yelled practically all day at their kids. If they do it's done up with so much humor and sarcasm so it seems more like a joke than the truth. But, dammit I wish they would blog about it. Are we all just these endless fountains of patience and understanding?! We're not... we don't talk about our tempers and the reality of how difficult it is to deal with kids. Maybe if we would talk about it and accept our flaws poor Moms who are freakin' stressed the hell out would feel comfortable venting and confessing and have their patience renewed. Or even ask for help so they don't shake their babies... YES WE DO ALL NEED BREAKS, sweetie. Here... give me the screaming pink thing and go have a drink. Nope we're all perfect mommies aren't we. I wish our lack of motherly nurturing perfection wasn't such a tabo...

Today started off fine. Kids were up at 5am which ended up being good since my alarm clocks morphed into a dream about my computer being stuck on a blue screen, shrieking at me... I tried to shut it down completely, even unplugged it, but the noise never stopped! Noah nudged me awake and I finally heard the alarms as alarms. Brennan was still passed out next to me. He was up at 5 also, but went back to sleep in my bed with me. So... we had plenty of time to get breakfast, get dressed, and get off to the bus stop. No rushing. Wonderful. Great. OK. Up until an hour ago. All of a sudden my power went out AGAIN!!! This happens so often in this neighborhood it just makes me crazy. Fine. I turn it back on ::CHUK:: flips right back off. So I have to go through one-by-one turning off and flipping back on all the breakers to see where the problem lies. The rooms affected? The PLAYROOM and the LIVING ROOM... which means no movies and no internet. I flipped every switch and u...

Josh is sick today. He went and got the dumb flu shot, which I told him was a bad idea, but the doctors convinced him that it would be best for us if he did. What a load of crap. 2 days later he has walking pneumonia, which he gets as often as other people get the sniffles. I hate when he's sick. He's so ANNOYING!! Anytime I try to talk to him he makes me repeat myself because apparently sickness is linked to deafness, and he wants to be sure I get to really look at his sick-o face, all scrunched up and sorrowful. He wears 500 layers of clothing and never speaks louder than a whisper, and mostly tries to make himself sound hoarse for added effect. He won't get out of bed, but the few times he will he shall never stand fully upright or lift his feet to walk. He will scuffle around like an old man with a walker to join the living and remind us that he is sick. He can't help with the kids because he's "contagious". He will utter fake apologies all ...