Worst Mom EVER

Sometimes I get lost in the blog world and end up hating myself as a mother. I realize most bloggers keep a lot to themselves and won't admit they yelled practically all day at their kids. If they do it's done up with so much humor and sarcasm so it seems more like a joke than the truth. But, dammit I wish they would blog about it. Are we all just these endless fountains of patience and understanding?! We're not... we don't talk about our tempers and the reality of how difficult it is to deal with kids. Maybe if we would talk about it and accept our flaws poor Moms who are freakin' stressed the hell out would feel comfortable venting and confessing and have their patience renewed. Or even ask for help so they don't shake their babies... YES WE DO ALL NEED BREAKS, sweetie. Here... give me the screaming pink thing and go have a drink. Nope we're all perfect mommies aren't we. I wish our lack of motherly nurturing perfection wasn't such a taboo topic.

When our kids are sick and crying and oozing we gently cuddle them all day long and comfort them with our splendiferousness. The reality is that a sick child is even more demanding than normal and usually louder, definitely messier. You remind yourself they are sick. You hold them. Your arms get tired. You put them down. They scream. You remind yourself they're sick. You hold them. They scream. You put them down. You wonder why they discontinued benadryl. They scream, they ooze, they won't sleep, they won't let you sleep... eventually that makes you a short-fuzed mommy. They scream. Hairs on the back of your neck go up. You snap. At everyone. I don't care if you're sick you need to stop that screaming!!! Which brings us to the confession: I yell at my poor babies when they're sick and even put them in time-out. I have hit them... when I'm angry... and they're sick. By hit I mean smacked their butts once, not bludgeoned them with a club (if you've done that it's definitely not normal, but visualizing that is in fact normal).

When we're fighting with our man... oh wait that also never happens!!! ;) yeah... we remember that the children are innocent and shield them from hearing or feeling our arguments. We can separate one from the other and never misdirect our anger at the kids. The reality is that a fight happens when a fight happens. If it's at the dining room table during dinner, that's where it is. If the kids are crazy enough to ask me something ridiculous while I am fighting with Daddy they're probably going to get a smart-ass answer... "don't we always have a snack when Noah comes home?! ALWAYS?! STOP ASKING ME THE SAME CRAP! WHY DO WE HAVE TO DO THIS EVERY DAY!!!!". This is why my kids say crap. Confession in a nutshell: sometimes I take it out on the kids.

More Confessions: Today I sat on my couch, left the TV on almost all day for the boys, and played around on facebook. No reason. I am just tired of everything. I smacked Brennan really hard on his hand and yelled at him because he touched raw meat, knives, vegetables, and everything else on the counter I've told him not to touch 500 times a day for the past year of his life. Then I ordered them all out of my kitchen "GO TO THE PLAYROOM!! AND DON'T COME BACK! I WILL COME GET YOU WHEN IT'S READY!!" He just won't... stop... grabbing... things... Over and over and over and over I tell him to stop. Every single damn day over and over and over and over and over... all the same things. At the same time of the day. He's relentless. Towards the end of the day I stop talking and just slap his hand, and say "don't touch!!!". He still doesn't stop and that's when I grab his arm and physically lift him out of the room because the repetition has literally driven me to the point of insanity and I find myself wanting to cause pain.

Tristan has gotten better with my new "isolation" method for dealing with tantrums since screaming back at him for screaming didn't seem to help, and neither did whining back at him. Now when he starts the whining and screaming I look at him, say "go to your room and sit on your bed" and he replies "no no I be calm". Proud of myself for that one. The confession part is that before this method I was doing an awful lot of yelling. I mean YELLING. Like... I shocked myself with the loudness of the yelling. Once I started screaming "STOP IT JUST SHUT UP". That was the turning point. Yes... I, flawless blogging mother of 3 angel baby boys told my blonde perfect 3yr old to shut up. As loud as I could. It's not the first time I said shut up and I doubt it'll be the last, but I am not OK with it, just admitting it happened.

I eventually reach a breaking point. And I refuse to believe I am the only one who does. With Josh gone I no longer have back-up. I don't want or need advice or encouragement. I definitely don't want or need insults or calls to CPS. I know I'm a good Mom... maybe even great. I am just tired of all this "hype" about how wonderful our little blessings are with no mention of the hell they can cause and how it all goes downhill FAST and we lose our cool. Most days I can see the antics, find the cuteness and humor, and just laugh... but sometimes I can't, and they annoy me, and all I can think about is getting away from them.

Now we'll see if I have the guts to keep this up.
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