This is My Forties

I had such a bizarre week.  One part of me was super excited about the next chapter, but the other part of me was terrified and negative.  I have to defend my ideas for several new ventures both in school for myself, and for unschooling for the kids.  OMG can I just quit instead?  This is like a nightmare for me!  Here's my dumb brain: I can't possibly do anything right.  I've never done anything right.  Everything I have been researching is wrong.  All my realizations are wrong.  I focus on roadblocks, not opportunities.  I see myself being defeated and unable to accomplish anything.  I am not finding the light at the end of the tunnel anymore.  I catch myself being an ass in my classes.  I don't want to talk to anyone or work with anyone.  I'm certain I will face criticism from anyone I talk openly to about my ideas, ambitions, goals, insights, and research on certain topics... so I don't talk at all and then get an...

When I was little I hated puking so much that once I wouldn't open my mouth, thinking that would somehow stop the inevitable.  It didn't.  Sure burned my nose though.  I still hate purging.  I'd rather suffer for longer than have a painful build-up and then a violent purge followed by general feeling of wellness.  Whatever!  I can handle the pain for longer if it means feeling a little more in control! I need to vent, and I apparently need to vent to a crowd so that my throat and neck stop throbbing.  I don't want to.  I hate this.  I loathe this exercise so much.  I feel like I've done this so many times, but nothing changes.  I hate complaining, even if it's about MYSELF. I have typed probably 15 emails or texts or messages to people this week that I won't send.  Why?  Because I'm SURE these people don't want to have anything to do with me whatsoever.  Why?  I DON'T KNOW!!! I was told just this month that...

Allison,      I see you think you've been busy lately.  You haven't really done anything at all.  What do you do all day... sit around on your ass.  You think you've accomplished something?!  What?  You finally entered your photography into some things and they were accepted... smallest possible stages ever.  Means nothing.  You are writing finally... on your tiny little blog that no one cares about, preaching to people like you even know what the hell you're talking about.  Do you think you're better than people?  You're ridiculous.  You're a coward and you're lazy.  People say your art is good to not hurt your feelings.  Why would you take their compliments.  You're a pathetic person who's too afraid to try, and rightly so.  You fantasize about National Geographic and traveling... when you lived in Spain you barely left the house.  You were too much of a coward to speak Spanish, and you still...