I've Always Hated Purging

When I was little I hated puking so much that once I wouldn't open my mouth, thinking that would somehow stop the inevitable.  It didn't.  Sure burned my nose though.  I still hate purging.  I'd rather suffer for longer than have a painful build-up and then a violent purge followed by general feeling of wellness.  Whatever!  I can handle the pain for longer if it means feeling a little more in control!

I need to vent, and I apparently need to vent to a crowd so that my throat and neck stop throbbing.  I don't want to.  I hate this.  I loathe this exercise so much.  I feel like I've done this so many times, but nothing changes.  I hate complaining, even if it's about MYSELF.

I have typed probably 15 emails or texts or messages to people this week that I won't send.  Why?  Because I'm SURE these people don't want to have anything to do with me whatsoever.  Why?  I DON'T KNOW!!!

I was told just this month that I'm really bright, I know "everything", I'm very intelligent, I'm awesome... it doesn't make a dent in this stupid freaking repetitive voice in my head that drives all my actions and tells me no one likes me and I'm not smart enough for this college.  I don't belong anywhere.  I don't fit in.  I want to be this awesome, secure, self-confident person.  I'm not.  Not even close.  I hate this.  I hate me for this.  I want to send ONE TEXT to ONE NEW PERSON.  LET ME JUST DO IT!! WHY CAN'T I JUST DO IT!?!?!!  So I do and then I obsess about what to say for days on end, eventually landing on "nothing... nothing is an excellent choice".

I have no friends.  I start feeling like I "deserve" that.  I'm putting something out that's awful.  There's a reason I eat alone.  There's a reason.  They're all avoiding me.  They ignore me.  Is this true?  NOPE.  I do it to myself to save me from knowing the truth just in case I'm right because the pain of knowing must certainly be worse.  My brain already decided I'm an outcast so all it sees is proof of its assumption, and if not it'll manifest the proof with false cause!

So now I get to put it on the public internet where all the people that interact with me and think I'm super awesome and confident can see my innermost thoughts.  Great.  Even worse.  Awesome.  Did I mention I hate this?  I do.  SO MUCH.  I knew it was going to be like this, but I assumed like a fool that it would be better.  It's not.  When I started CSM I had one class that I never spoke in and suppressed tears every single day.  Later on CSM was so easy.  So I had to try bigger.  Bigger to get better.  Now I'm at a 4yr college, wrestling with demons who tell me I don't deserve to be here and this whole idea is completely pointless.  It might be... for a job, but not for ME.  I can't do anything in science with only a Bachelor's.  I'm a joke.  It only gets more vulgar and worse from there.

I don't want or need pity or understanding.  I'm not a victim.  I'm just another poor idiot trying to wear down a hard rock with the gentle lapping of the waves.  Because that's the only way anyone can do it.  Time is a real bastard.  I know I've made progress because I'm uncomfortable again at this new school.  Once I'm not uncomfortable, I have to try something new... until all this crap is eroded and what's left is a safe, chill, little beach of confidence.  I'll look back after my TEDx talk and be like "and here I was so stressed out just finishing my bachelor's degree" hyuk hyuk hyuk.

I DON'T WANT TO SHARE THIS, YOU STUPID BRAIN!!!  ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!  LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!  THIS IS EMBARRASSING! Now everyone is going to think I'm this fragile little snowflake they need to tiptoe around.  Sigh.

I'm going with brutal honesty because I looked over the other day at this amazing person and I saw so many scars from cutting... and I thought... this cannot continue.  This person doesn't need to feel alone.  I know I'm not alone, even with all this craziness.  I saw it in those scars.  Someone who looks like they have everything going for them, but obviously doesn't agree.  You can look at someone and say "my... they have it all, they've done so much and look at me I've done nothing"... and I bet that person is thinking that exact same thing about someone else.  So there it is, everyone.  I feel like I just peeled all my skin off and walked out into the sun.  Now I have to go share the link so everyone can read it... sigh.
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