This is My Forties

I've been researching, reading about, diving into, writing about, and thinking about building confidence and self-trust for about 8 years now. It's time to get more intentional and active about it. I think I'm ready to move into that phase finally. I have a tendency to take in information and keep mulling it over, writing and expounding upon this that and the other, but now it's time for an actual plan. An action plan. I understand the problem as much as I can from the outside looking in. Now it's time to create learning opportunities: to make mistakes and deal with the consequences or to achieve something and deal with the praise. That's the next phase of learning... doing . So today I am creating a specific list of tasks that I have to do in the months ahead that specifically target insecurities and seek to force me to deal with the reality of those insecurities. The goal is to be able to build resilience  by proving my old voices wrong with a stack of accompl

This month I suffered a "collapse" at some point... I have only a basic idea when, and I am struggling to pull myself back out of it. It's the same as last time I suffered a collapse, but I'm a little more connected with the present this time and for that I should be proud (more on that later).  For those that don't know what a collapse is, it's not a mental breakdown . Collapses are when you feel like your self-esteem and self-worth bubble has been popped and it immediately disappears. Collapses are what narcissists go through when they are wounded. It's also what children who were raised by narcissists go through due to their sensitivity to criticism, having been criticized their entire lives.  With me, a collapse is followed by a period of being unable to name my emotions or connect with them at all (dissociation), beating myself up about not being better/different/enough (but not realizing that is what I am doing), outwardly focusing on others to try