This is My Forties

BEFORE (0820 hours) - I can't turn back now.  The notes are out.  What am I so afraid of?  Not being accepted?  No.  Not making a positive impact despite actually trying something this time?... ugh yes that's the one... and I've placed them into my own class so I can't escape the truth.  I will see reactions.  This isn't the theoretical Shrodinger's cat situation I've come to love.  The comfort of the unknown, allowing me to proceed with hope unchallenged.  This is Pandora's box where I have abandoned hope there in the safety of darkness to face the reality of truth out here in the light.  Whether or not the reaction is good or bad isn't the problem.  It's the responsibility inherent with action and truth.  Honestly I don't even know what I hope for at this point.  I know I did what I had to do today.  I'm hopeful it makes a positive impact on someone, even if it is only me.  I finally was brave enough to do something more public.  St

Noah asked me yesterday what this meant: "Thinking outside of the box" (love him!!!) We've all heard this phrase before, and we know what it means... think creatively, think differently, be unhindered by norms.  But, where did it come from?  Well, I looked it up and apparently it's reminiscent of an old logic puzzle developed in 1914, the nine dot puzzle.  This is a puzzle with which I am well acquainted.  In fact, Josh and I have already introduced our children to it... funny it has lasted for so long!  Other speculations of the origin of the phrase were by a paper in 1945 that alluded to 'blue sky thinking'.  I will forever associate outside the box thinking with Shirley Jackson's short story "The Lottery" which she wrote in 1948.  This link is great because it comes with questions to ponder after reading.  I highly recommend reading it if you haven't!  The box isn't a new image for us to use. I think of Schrodinger's cat  i

creativity [kree-ey-tiv-i-tee, kree-uh-] 1. the state or quality of being creative. 2. the ability to transcend traditional ideas, rules, patterns, relationships, or the like, and to create meaningful new ideas, forms, methods, interpretations, etc.; originality, progressiveness, or imagination 3.the process by which one utilizes creative ability I noticed I haven't been taking many photos or writing as much as I used to (especially now that I'm in college).  Well... I have issued myself a challenge to remedy that since I know how important creative outlets are to my mental health.  Starting on October 1st I am going to create at least one thing every day: photograph, sketch, poem, prose, painting, sculpture, spoken word, music, wood burning, journal entry, a hypothesis, invention, an original idea... it doesn't matter what it is as long as it wouldn't have existed if I hadn't brought it to fruition.  A creation. My goal is to just keep on going.  I'm s

Emotion overwhelmed me suddenly, While eating on a bench by the sea. There next to me was a heron Standing proudly While eating on a rock by the sea. He was me. My connection restored my peace. The waves are me The sand is me We move We stay We exist We change... I could feel the past in me The Natives fishing by the sea I could feel the future before me Time was gone because Time is wrong We exist eternally

It's not the going that does it Not the performance Or the gulping down painful flexes of heart and throat That foreshadow my future. It's not the interaction that does it I fare well in those. I'm witty and funny, respectful and endearing It's the after that does it When I'm alone and still And can finally feel And the reel hits rewind And I see myself Exaggerated Awkward and out of place Tripping on words Misinterpreting, interrupting, sweating Acting a fool Never shutting up And I hate this tape But it's already made I hit rewind And I hit play Rewind and play... can't Rewind and play... stop But, no it's not the them  that does it, It's always been me. Wrongfully assuming I can see how they see.

What would happen if I wrote Just sat here and let the ink flow. Shapes of letters becoming words on pages... What would be said? What's in my head? "Be brave" she said Again?! What's so brave about this? Impermanence Why when thinking of life's shortness Do I yield to fear and not Fearlessness Minimize, minimal, temporary, temporal Time is brief, short, struts and frets It should be empowering to realize it But I can't I see time as a death sentence, My life as a struggle to overcome myself. I want to be liberated from the responsibility Of becoming worthwhile in the blink of an eye. Who is this who owns me? The biggest bullies are within. "Be brave" she said So I publish it.

I am hoarding negative thoughts.  I call it hoarding because that's exactly what it is.  If you've ever watched "Hoarders" you know what I'm talking about.  These people live in piles of trash that make them miserable, but they just can't let go of them... because they have come up with one good reason to keep every single piece of filth and that is the only thing that matters.  Their health doesn't matter.  Their families don't matter.  Their comfort and happiness don't matter.  They cannot let go of any of it because it's helping them hide, but they think they're keeping it because it's all useful.  They are trapped in a delusional state, which is making them miserable.  Logically they know they need to change something, but the self-denial, defensiveness, and anger is stronger than logic. Over the past few years I have actually rid myself of tons of trash, but there is still more!  It's the really old stuff at the bottom, the v

Allison,      I see you think you've been busy lately.  You haven't really done anything at all.  What do you do all day... sit around on your ass.  You think you've accomplished something?!  What?  You finally entered your photography into some things and they were accepted... smallest possible stages ever.  Means nothing.  You are writing finally... on your tiny little blog that no one cares about, preaching to people like you even know what the hell you're talking about.  Do you think you're better than people?  You're ridiculous.  You're a coward and you're lazy.  People say your art is good to not hurt your feelings.  Why would you take their compliments.  You're a pathetic person who's too afraid to try, and rightly so.  You fantasize about National Geographic and traveling... when you lived in Spain you barely left the house.  You were too much of a coward to speak Spanish, and you still are.  You make me sick.  I can't stand you.

There are plenty of things to love about owning a home.  It's great and I'm happy we have been able to do it, but sometimes you're reminded that with all the joy of control comes the pain of responsibility.  Home damage... it doesn't happen very often, but when it does it's a huge pain in the butt.  Even with homeowner's insurance it's an inconvenient expense and a hassle.  Especially if you're like most people and have something like a $1000 deductible, which means you have to magically find $1000!  lol  So, here's what happened.  We were chilling out, giving ourselves a day off.  The sun was out and I was working on the garden.  I took a walk around the yard and noticed some water dripping from under the deck, through the overhang ceiling... right above the kitchen.  We traced it up to the refrigerator.  The water line that feeds the ice maker was spraying water like crazy straight into the wall and down through the floor thanks to what appeared to

So, as you can tell from my last couple posts we've been having quite a time out here.  I'm notorious for diving into my subconscious and emotions.  I dig and prod to find deeper meaning in practically everything that happens to me or around me.  I even self-analyze the shows I watch, the foods I want to eat, what I choose to wear, what I want to read... and I have to admit, I've learned a whole hell of a lot since I started my hyper self-awareness.  Here's what I found out. We do so many things every day without realizing that little messages are trying to make their way inside to help us handle what we have to face.  Tons of tiny hints are being given to alert us to our inner problems and solutions and we're acting on these things as if by magic.  We're doing it blindly like we're hypnotized and god's somewhere in there screaming HEY!!!!  LOOK!!!  I want to binge watch "The Office" again... why?  Who am I relating to?  Why now?  Why do I fe

Just wrote this before a very difficult session of repeating over and over again out loud "I acknowledge that I failed" -breathe- "I forgive myself for failing" -breathe- ... and I had to do it until the 2nd part stopped crushing my chest and making me cry.  Took some time.  Many many breaths.  Why share this?  Because we've all been there and it's not something to be ashamed about or hide.  I wanted to share how I get through those moments.  Maybe you can try it too and it will do the same.  Now my heart feels better, my chest isn't tight.  Now I can breathe.  Will I have to do it again soon?  Maybe.  Sometimes it takes more than once before the full effect of all that anger and negativity is really out of me... before I can forgive myself for being weak.  Anyway, here it is. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Love it All" Without my victim I'd n

I wrote these some time ago for myself and never planned to share them, but I keep getting signs that I'm supposed to do just that.  They aren't great.  They aren't my best, but I needed to write them to help with the loneliness of dealing with loved ones with mental health issues.  Two out of the many many I've written over the years.  I think a lot of the times when I've felt overwhelmed it's my "inner child" that comes out so anything I write is simplistic and clumsy, but still me.  She wants to be heard!  I'm done feeling embarrassed by the writing.  And... it's good therapy. So, to whoever is out there reading I hope you get something out of these.  You aren't alone.  You aren't crazy for still being here.  You are amazing.   They are getting better.  You are NOT completely screwing everything up.  Even if they can't acknowledge it at times, you are appreciated.  They love you and need you.  Keep fighting.  Keep loving.  Rem

Ever since Hurricane Katrina it seems meteorologists and city officials can be a little overprotective when it comes to dealing with potential natural disasters.  However, I definitely prefer it to the alternative: not being prepared at all.  Still, I approach most of their predictions with skepticism. We heard about this potential storm system moving across the southern states on Monday, and the speculations began.  There was also a wave of low, cold air coming in off the east coast and the 2 were going to meet up to some potentially disastrous consequences.  I held off preparing until Wednesday; once the Canadian, European & American agencies all forecast basically the same path and intensity of the storm... us... the DC area.  We watched the projected path about eleventy billion times over the course of the week.  It looked like a snowicane.  The storm was twirling out into the ocean and slamming back into DC over and over again as the moisture fed into it.  It was going to