The Importance of Anger

So, as you can tell from my last couple posts we've been having quite a time out here.  I'm notorious for diving into my subconscious and emotions.  I dig and prod to find deeper meaning in practically everything that happens to me or around me.  I even self-analyze the shows I watch, the foods I want to eat, what I choose to wear, what I want to read... and I have to admit, I've learned a whole hell of a lot since I started my hyper self-awareness.  Here's what I found out.

We do so many things every day without realizing that little messages are trying to make their way inside to help us handle what we have to face.  Tons of tiny hints are being given to alert us to our inner problems and solutions and we're acting on these things as if by magic.  We're doing it blindly like we're hypnotized and god's somewhere in there screaming HEY!!!!  LOOK!!!  I want to binge watch "The Office" again... why?  Who am I relating to?  Why now?  Why do I feel uncomfortable leaving my room today?  Why didn't I want to go to yoga class?  Why am I avoiding facebook?  Why is everything making me so angry when usually it makes me laugh?  Why did I dream about tornadoes?  Why does it feel awkward to stretch my arms out wide or exercise?  Why do I keep clenching my jaw?  All day every day we're bombarded with signs and symbols.  When I pay attention to those symbols I am able to find answers.  I get little glimpses that start to feel like deja vu, strange bedfellows become parallels and correlations... and then I get whacked over the head with a gigantic realization that puts it all together.  It happens so quickly that most of the time I can't even express it in words, it just IS and I feel it.  Then I process it and incorporate it into what I know about myself and others.  It's incredibly comforting, but at first it was frightening.  I have been able to lead a deeply satisfying life because of it.  It works for me.  Here's something new I found the other day that I plan to incorporate into my lifestyle.  This was the "climax" of my week, what everything else was leading me towards.

Dealing with Repressed Anger.  Even after I did all the meditating and writing and talking that had worked in the past, I still had an uneasy feeling.  I still couldn't take a deep breath, but this time it was deep down in my lungs, almost in my gut I'd say.  I would wake up at night feeling hot, and I had stopped having dreams (and I looooove dreams).  My hands and arms kept falling asleep.  I had terrible circulation, freezing hands.  My shoulders and neck were incredibly sore and knotted up.  I was snapping at the kids.  I knew it was my heart.  Love and forgiveness was where the problem was.  I just couldn't feel good.  I couldn't find my happy place.  I don't even remember how the whole "repressed anger" idea got into my head, but I looked it up.  Sure enough.  There it was.  That was it.  I had to accept it and release it so I could move on, and I knew it right away.

I did these 7 steps and they certainly worked, but be warned... it's like deciding to take down a dam.  I uncovered some old sore spots of deep betrayal, neglect, and abuse and realized quite a few things about myself and how I deal (or don't deal) with anger.  It was very emotional, even scary at times.  I considered hitting myself instead of the pillow (don't worry I didn't).  I admit this because it's important to know how difficult and emotional this can be and it's even more important to protect yourself and others.  Set aside time and a safe place for yourself if you are going to try it.  Also of note, holding back will not help... truly allowing the anger to release means some hateful words may come screaming out, pillows may become shreds, ugly stuffed animals may lose limbs, marks may appear on your walls.  You will come back to your same happy self when it's all over, and you'll know when that is.  Think of it like opening a soda bottle... it fizzes up and spills out, but then it stops.  If I have to do this again I will invest in a whiffle ball bat with which to hit my mattress and pillows so I know exactly where and how to direct the anger.  Oddly enough I had repressed it for so long that it was actually quite difficult to do.  I wrote for a long time and half-ass swatted at a pillow and said aloud "this is stupid".  I couldn't find the energy to be angry.  The heat of the anger had died in me... then I made myself do one good punch and I just snapped, like flipping a switch on.

After the tantrum I let myself throw, I felt remarkable.  I was me again.  The next day I didn't feel great.  I felt incredibly insecure and isolated and needy, almost empty.  All that anger I had held on to for so long was there to keep me safe and it was gone.  I had lost my wall.  I was exposed and vulnerable.  It is going to take work to be ok without it, and to not rebuild it.  I know that it will not compare to the last decade I spent holding onto it though.  It kept me from far more good than it protected me from bad.  It's worth the discomfort to deal with it.  So... there you have it.  One more fantastically personal tidbit of information about me I'm plastering up on the public internet ;)  I have faith and hope that it falls on the eyes of someone who needs to read it.
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