BEFORE (0820 hours) - I can't turn back now. The notes are out. What am I so afraid of? Not being accepted? No. Not making a positive impact despite actually trying something this time?... ugh yes that's the one... and I've placed them into my own class so I can't escape the truth. I will see reactions. This isn't the theoretical Shrodinger's cat situation I've come to love. The comfort of the unknown, allowing me to proceed with hope unchallenged. This is Pandora's box where I have abandoned hope there in the safety of darkness to face the reality of truth out here in the light. Whether or not the reaction is good or bad isn't the problem. It's the responsibility inherent with action and truth. Honestly I don't even know what I hope for at this point. I know I did what I had to do today. I'm hopeful it makes a positive impact on someone, even if it is only me. I finally was brave enough to do something more public. Still anonymous, but much more authoritative than I'm used to. More aggressive, less passive. There is no choice for them because I decided who the readers would be... without thinking... just feelings, although maybe some memories in the back of my mind played a part. I'm so nervous. Simply wanting to be a force for change isn't an action... just like hope is not an action. Intention first, then action. You can't spend all your time with just good intentions.
DURING (1020 hours) - People sat down at the desks with cards and were afraid to open them, but not everyone. One next to me was quickly snatched up... he was so touched he took a picture to share with others. Class went on and I had to get up to use the restroom. When I got back he had placed my card on my desk... for me to read... because he wanted me to know what it said. Because he thought I could use a positive message too. He was the first person to pass it on, and he chose me. I know I wrote these words, but my chest is tight as I open the card and read. It's the one I messed up, the one with whiteout on the bottom (even imperfection can be inspiring). Reading my own words I suddenly realize why I was drawn to this task. I needed to hear the message too. So often I walk around thinking I am not valuable enough or I have nothing to offer. Yet, there I was telling myself exactly what I've never listened to before. I was emotional and so distracted after that. Others passed their cards around. They slipped them onto desks of people they thought could use a little boost. I went back after class to see how they all ended up. Some were taken, others displayed, but it was clear they were being shared. I did something that made people feel good about themselves.
AFTER (1400 hours) - The longer I sit the more my old feelings begin to rise up like vomit. The insecurity. The downplaying. The replaying and finding fault with how I handled everything... the Saboteur. "You didn't change anything" damn him and his big mouth. So I brush him off and head for my keyboard where I know the recounting of my day will help me re-live the good moments again. I'm determined to make those ones stick. The real ones.
I'm going apple picking this weekend and I'm going to love every minute of it (and the baking that ensues afterwards). Let today be done and let it be GOOD :)
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