I'm SO right... no, wrong... no, right... SO wrong... right?
I had such a bizarre week. One part of me was super excited about the next chapter, but the other part of me was terrified and negative. I have to defend my ideas for several new ventures both in school for myself, and for unschooling for the kids. OMG can I just quit instead? This is like a nightmare for me! Here's my dumb brain: I can't possibly do anything right. I've never done anything right. Everything I have been researching is wrong. All my realizations are wrong. I focus on roadblocks, not opportunities. I see myself being defeated and unable to accomplish anything. I am not finding the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I catch myself being an ass in my classes. I don't want to talk to anyone or work with anyone. I'm certain I will face criticism from anyone I talk openly to about my ideas, ambitions, goals, insights, and research on certain topics... so I don't talk at all and then get annoyed about the situation (all silently in my head at least).
This is what always happens to me when I get comfortable, and then am nudged outside of my comfort zone to make my boundaries bigger. I am comfortable at school now, and I am comfortable with what we're doing with the kids now... time to flex, stretch, grow and expand some more.
I'm emotionally exhausted from feeding fears: I'm not memorable, but if I am it's because of something terrible. I'm not discovering new things, I'm just naive. Everything I've been pouring my free time into over the last 5 years will be found worthless by others. I'm not able to make a difference whatsoever for anyone. I'm so wrong about all this that I'm actually hurting people I was trying to help. I'm not as strong as I need to be to face others with opinions. I'm so afraid of criticism that I will be unable to make my research better by listening to thoughtful critiques and perceptions. There's no point in trying to help change the system because no one will be open to it.
I have an appointment with the county school board to report on our "homeschoolers" so far (we cannot register as self-directed learners/unschoolers). I have been toying with the idea of challenging the system and being open and honest with them about our self-directed learning. It's terrifying! Am I a boat-rocker? Do I feel like challenging the system? Do I think I can? Is it worth the effort to me? Do I feel like I would be accomplishing anything? Will my honesty about our process be met with some kind of legal proceeding?
I am going to talk to some of my favorite, most knowledgeable people and do some exercises that have helped me overcome this crap in the past (hence the writing). I ask myself questions I have discovered over the years that help me re-focus and re-balance myself so I can concentrate on reality instead of fear-based alternate reality. This one is great: "Am I making assumptions that people will react negatively to what I say or do?" - red flag! That's my own insecurity talking and I gotta keep it in check or it will sabotage all my efforts to effect positive change or form constructive partnerships to accomplish my goals. Get those positivity and gratitude exercises out, kick 'em in high gear, do some power poses... don't go into those situations feeling inadequate because if you think you're going to fail, you will work towards failure.
I got this.
This is what always happens to me when I get comfortable, and then am nudged outside of my comfort zone to make my boundaries bigger. I am comfortable at school now, and I am comfortable with what we're doing with the kids now... time to flex, stretch, grow and expand some more.
I'm emotionally exhausted from feeding fears: I'm not memorable, but if I am it's because of something terrible. I'm not discovering new things, I'm just naive. Everything I've been pouring my free time into over the last 5 years will be found worthless by others. I'm not able to make a difference whatsoever for anyone. I'm so wrong about all this that I'm actually hurting people I was trying to help. I'm not as strong as I need to be to face others with opinions. I'm so afraid of criticism that I will be unable to make my research better by listening to thoughtful critiques and perceptions. There's no point in trying to help change the system because no one will be open to it.
I have an appointment with the county school board to report on our "homeschoolers" so far (we cannot register as self-directed learners/unschoolers). I have been toying with the idea of challenging the system and being open and honest with them about our self-directed learning. It's terrifying! Am I a boat-rocker? Do I feel like challenging the system? Do I think I can? Is it worth the effort to me? Do I feel like I would be accomplishing anything? Will my honesty about our process be met with some kind of legal proceeding?
I am going to talk to some of my favorite, most knowledgeable people and do some exercises that have helped me overcome this crap in the past (hence the writing). I ask myself questions I have discovered over the years that help me re-focus and re-balance myself so I can concentrate on reality instead of fear-based alternate reality. This one is great: "Am I making assumptions that people will react negatively to what I say or do?" - red flag! That's my own insecurity talking and I gotta keep it in check or it will sabotage all my efforts to effect positive change or form constructive partnerships to accomplish my goals. Get those positivity and gratitude exercises out, kick 'em in high gear, do some power poses... don't go into those situations feeling inadequate because if you think you're going to fail, you will work towards failure.
I got this.
Comments