This is my 872nd post on this blog, and I don't even know what I want to say. I started writing today because I don't want my whole life or everything I write to just be school assignments or unschooling/kids (that's why I created the unschooling blog).
My first week of the semester is over. It's gonna be a good one. I think I am going to be doing a helluva lot of reading and writing, but seeing as this is my 872nd blog post... shouldn't be an issue.
When I look back to my first semester and what I wrote on here... I just can't believe how I feel now... or that it's been an entire year since I started back up. I have little anxiety now, but first semester I was crying damn near every day. I never felt good enough, stressed about grades and performance, stressed about not belonging. I wish I could say that was due to my age, but it was all about confidence in my level of intelligence. I thought everyone was better than me at everything and I tricked my way into that school. I mean... I knew I'd feel that way and it would be a constant struggle to replace those thoughts with reality, but still. Thoughts are SO REAL and it was ridiculously difficult. Yet, still not as difficult as the first time I started trying to overcome crippling self-doubt. It does get better. This is why I write. I write to remember how far I've come.
I found a word document I had forgotten, one I never was willing to share, and reading it now I feel quite proud of myself. I'm so much closer to seeing in myself these qualities I have always loved, and to becoming more like who I desire to be.
4/24/2015
I just finished watching “Pleasantville” for probably the 15th time. I have several movies I love to watch again and again, movies about going against the tribal mindset, facing fears, traveling, becoming empowered, overcoming obstacles and standing up for what’s right. This is who I see myself as, or at least as who I want to be. I want to be a fearless world traveler who creates beautiful art and isn’t afraid to put herself out there and meet people, has amazing adventures, and shares her life experiences with others… and who takes her kids along for the ride, knowing life is a better teacher than school. Sounds amazing. So what am I so afraid of.. ah… the ultimate question. What is my actual real fear?
Reminded me of another movie I watch again and again: Contact.
My first week of the semester is over. It's gonna be a good one. I think I am going to be doing a helluva lot of reading and writing, but seeing as this is my 872nd blog post... shouldn't be an issue.
When I look back to my first semester and what I wrote on here... I just can't believe how I feel now... or that it's been an entire year since I started back up. I have little anxiety now, but first semester I was crying damn near every day. I never felt good enough, stressed about grades and performance, stressed about not belonging. I wish I could say that was due to my age, but it was all about confidence in my level of intelligence. I thought everyone was better than me at everything and I tricked my way into that school. I mean... I knew I'd feel that way and it would be a constant struggle to replace those thoughts with reality, but still. Thoughts are SO REAL and it was ridiculously difficult. Yet, still not as difficult as the first time I started trying to overcome crippling self-doubt. It does get better. This is why I write. I write to remember how far I've come.
I found a word document I had forgotten, one I never was willing to share, and reading it now I feel quite proud of myself. I'm so much closer to seeing in myself these qualities I have always loved, and to becoming more like who I desire to be.
4/24/2015
I just finished watching “Pleasantville” for probably the 15th time. I have several movies I love to watch again and again, movies about going against the tribal mindset, facing fears, traveling, becoming empowered, overcoming obstacles and standing up for what’s right. This is who I see myself as, or at least as who I want to be. I want to be a fearless world traveler who creates beautiful art and isn’t afraid to put herself out there and meet people, has amazing adventures, and shares her life experiences with others… and who takes her kids along for the ride, knowing life is a better teacher than school. Sounds amazing. So what am I so afraid of.. ah… the ultimate question. What is my actual real fear?
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