Graduation Time!

The last two kids are "leaving the nest" meaning - they are moving on to the stage where they are taking responsibility for themselves and their needs. It's so hard to try and describe the mixed bag of complex emotions that is graduation time for my kids, but I think I can boil it down to two main emotions: relief and grief.

RELIEF:

• Extracurriculars - the fees, gear, driving for games and practices are no longer on my plate.
• Commuting/Scheduling - one less location to drive to, one less schedule to navigate around.
• Administration - the amount of time spent on paperwork for registering kids to do anything is another fulltime job. Making necessary appointments, tracking schedules, and getting everyone where they need to be for said appointments will be taken from my hands soon enough (already has been for Tristan since he's 18 now).
• The indescribable everything that is mothering - the physical and emotional toll of the phases and transitions throughout their lives live in me and have become part of the autopilot of my life. Waking them up for school, thinking about dinner, worrying about their social and emotional lives, checking-in on their physical wellbeing, taking them shopping. It has tapered off a lot and will soon be gone. I'm sure I will grow into that space on my own... I will get to take up more space in my life!
• Independence - they have longed for it and been ready for it. I'm so glad they finally can have their full independence!! I remember all too well how amazing it felt to be on my own. Finally. Adulting out there in the world and becoming a full-fledged member of society with all the costs and benefits associated with that. It's the longest stage of your life but getting to it feels endless!

GRIEF:

• Time is up - I can't fix all the moments from the past where I may have wanted to impart a lesson or correct a behavior. That ship has sailed. They are fully baked and the outcome is what it is. They are FANTASTIC HUMANS!! Seriously... their emotional intelligence and empathy and kindness abound and I am very proud of them. I have a hard time taking credit for that despite all the external praise and gratitude that get heaped onto me. 
• My life is my own - yes, this is both. Exciting things are also scary. I am terrified that I will be a coward who sits at home and streams shows instead of going out into the world. That's what I do now and I have the kids as an excuse to fall back on for why... now what?
• Resilience comes at a price - my kids are resilient because they experienced trauma. I wanted them to be resilient and have a growth mindset because that's what makes human beings great. I knew intellectually that meant they would go through difficult things. I didn't appreciate the reality of what that would mean for me as a parent. The guilt of not being good enough to see everything, fix everything, prevent everything, provide everything, respond perfectly to all the little and big moments of pain or happiness. All of this meant I WAS PART OF THE TRAUMA! Not the cruel world outside... ME. My mistakes and imperfection as a parent were part of what lead to them developing resilience. Ouch. So much ouch.

As Anna Nalick said in her song "Breathe (2AM)"back in 2005.

"Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable. 

And life's like an hourglass glued to the table. 

No one can find a rewind button, girl. 

So cradle your head in your hands 

And breathe. Just breathe.

Oh breathe. Just breathe.

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout

Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out

And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again

If you only try turning around."