What's in the Mirror

I am currently in therapy, have been since August. After I graduated from college I suffered a massive emotional collapse... a crisis of confidence. I felt like I had no value to anyone, was unlovable, a burden and a drain on others, neglected & abandoned. Josh started traveling a whole lot more and I couldn't deal with it in a healthy way because I wasn't connected to him in a healthy way. I had lost a lot of coping skills and COVID blasted everything else out of my life. I tried to pull myself out of it through groups, friends, another job. Nothing ever really worked. The whole idea of self love was not new to me and I toyed with practicing it. I've blogged about it many times. However, it can only last so long if you don't deal with the emotional pain of receiving negative messages that got you there in the first place. They always come back to undermine your progress unless you truly allow yourself to feel everything. I have started the process of experiencing the emotional pain at the source of those bedrock messages. It's an ugly horrible mess, but it's working. I can feel the self love practices actually taking hold and the little things that used to completely deflate me are draining less out of me. I have decided to go ahead and share my thoughts again. Because I feel like I have value again.

I am doing a couple challenges this year that are aimed towards keeping me healthy physically, mentally, and emotionally. Two hiking challenges, another photo-a-day challenge with 2 of my amazing sisters, and some personal challenges I have set up for myself (blogging being one of them). Today's thoughts came to me during a hike.

I was trudging along a path I've walked at least 10 times by now, marveling at how it's somehow still exciting to me every time I go out. The challenge is there, despite the knowledge of what's ahead. I thought about 2013 when I started therapy the first time in my life and I couldn't answer a simple questionnaire about who I was and what I wanted without going into an anxiety attack... because I had no idea. I thought about 2015 when I cut all my hair off, quit smoking, and started college. I thought about 2017 when we pulled the boys out of school and adopted the Unschooling model. I thought about 2018 when I started defining my personal boundaries and getting rid of old habits and unhealthy relationships. I thought about getting my Bachelors in my 30's with 3 kids and a constantly traveling husband in 2019. And I thought about now, how I go hiking alone 2-3 times a week to prioritize myself. And I gave myself credit. I let myself feel pride.

I understood what the old messages were. They're like a mirror in my path. Mirrors don't reflect reality and if you keep trying to deal with what's being reflected back, all you'll get is the same. The only way is to go around and not engage with that shit at all. Confronted with a convoluted message of myself? It's fake. Go around. Don't try to talk to it or throw the "opposite" at it. That's still engaging with it. It's not fucking real. All it's showing me is the past and it's blocking what's ahead. It's a wall that is masquerading as something mutable. Go around. It might look like reality, but it's not. Just. Go. Around. This is not to say that mirror meditation is not helpful, because it absolutely is. What does it mean in practice to not engage with the "mirror" self? 

When my mind starts with the bullshit of "you aren't good enough at/for/to..." I don't try and talk myself up and out of it. I just stop thinking about it entirely. It might sound like avoidance, but I have spent years ruminating about all those thoughts and trying to disprove them and I have come to a conclusion: they aren't from reliable sources. So, much like how I feel about arguing with a Creationist or a flat earther... I give up arguing. I walk away from that argument. I know what's real and I refuse to engage with the obvious crazy conspiracy theorist in my head anymore. I don't think about how to think about something else, or how I wish I could stop thinking about negative thoughts, or how I can convince the voice to agree with me. I just stop. Basically, I've created a boundary in my own brain and I enforce it vehemently. I absolutely will not listen to abuse anymore. That's what my hikes are. I am enforcing my boundaries for myself again and again. I am taking back my health and prioritizing myself. I am giving myself what I need without feeling guilty for needing it. I am taking the time to celebrate how far I have come. I am modeling self care to my family. 

I still struggle every day with doubt and fear, but I have carved out moments when I can process the underlying feelings at the root of it all. I have gotten to know what works for me and I make sure I am doing it. I am proving to that neglected inner child in me that I care about her and myself enough to get better... so that I can love her the way she deserves. I am much happier with myself and my surroundings because of these simple, but difficult acts of faith.