Victim Triangle
Thought I would share this on here since I've shared it with at least 3 people individually at this point. I've been working on establishing and maintaining healthy personal boundaries so any instance in my life where I have unhealthy boundaries have been really obvious. Still not great at dealing with those instances, but I'm getting better all the time. While I'm working, this keeps popping up at different times to illustrate my inter/intra-personal communication cycles that need to be broken.
The hardest part for me has been recovering from taking responsibility for everyone's emotional state. I would feel immense pressure to involve myself in other peoples' triangles, thinking I had to play the mediator role. I would get intense feelings of anxiety, thinking about their expectations of me to fix their relationship... or feel it was my duty to point out if I saw an issue (without ever being asked or expected to do so by anyone other than myself). I do think friends and family have a duty to be honest about what they see. However, the key to all of it is better if asked and always with love and respect. There are few things in the world more annoying than unsolicited advice, especially from someone with a plank in their eye (Bible). This is for the "easy" cases. The every day silly stuff where most people end up getting themselves out of their wallowing as part of the natural cycle of life. Victim mentalities are resolved or fade away. There are other cases when people get trapped in victimhood.
People can adapt their victimhood as part of their identity and breaking free seems impossible or scary. I'm talking about the people who are so deep into it that they have full-blown martyr complex, substance abuse issues, health problems... everything in their lives is going wrong and the only action they take is to complain and stonewall every solution. It goes on for months, years, decades. They completely defend or deny any unhealthy behavior. They take no responsibility. They refuse to seek help, aren't honest in therapy, or stop going altogether because the professional was wrong and they (the patient) know better. Ah denial... I've been there, and I can tell you it's pointless to try. I know I didn't listen. I just kept myself in misery. You will get yelled at, blamed, be given a billion excuses, manipulated with emotional outbursts. They want to stay sick and you can't help them, especially if your relationship isn't a close one... "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink"... we've known this for centuries. The prospect of change is the scariest thing in the world to them (but the only thing that can save them). They are the only ones who can do it. Is this relationship worth all that to you? Are you getting anything positive?
I'm not saying people don't need support systems, but support is for people who make the effort. Don't support people who just want punching bags and deep pockets. Sometimes there's nothing you can do to help someone. Sometimes even if you can help them it's pointless because they are so deep in denial that they can only hear their own version of what you're trying to say anyway. Sometimes they're so far into this triangle that it has reached "rock-bottom time" and you need to let it happen and hope for the best for them. Sometimes a relationship isn't deep enough or important enough to invest all that time and effort. There's nothing left to do. Staying in the cycle just enables them, gives them yet another distraction or justification no matter the role you try to play.
Here is some additional reading on other related issues since everything is connected. We don't only form relationships with people! We form them with ways of thinking and communicating, with objects, and with actions... anything that is connected to us (draws an emotional response). It's a good idea to check in with yourself and make sure your attachments/relationships are healthy and balanced. Keep away from unhealthy distractions, drains, obsessions, addictions, extremes or perversions. Most importantly, know yourself! It's far easier to see other peoples' issues than it is to see our own. I've learned that if something really grates on you in another person, it's probably because it's part of something you need to address in yourself. Once you really address your issues and deal with their underlying causes, other people don't seem so infuriating... because they aren't attached to you by that common thread anymore.
Boundaries and Codependency
Learned Helplessness
Emotional Abuse and Codependency
Defense Mechanisms (healthy vs unhealthy)
Attachment Styles
Symptoms of Codependency
Religion and Addiction
Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship (know your own role! take responsibility!)
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| https://www.karpmandramatriangle.com/ |
The hardest part for me has been recovering from taking responsibility for everyone's emotional state. I would feel immense pressure to involve myself in other peoples' triangles, thinking I had to play the mediator role. I would get intense feelings of anxiety, thinking about their expectations of me to fix their relationship... or feel it was my duty to point out if I saw an issue (without ever being asked or expected to do so by anyone other than myself). I do think friends and family have a duty to be honest about what they see. However, the key to all of it is better if asked and always with love and respect. There are few things in the world more annoying than unsolicited advice, especially from someone with a plank in their eye (Bible). This is for the "easy" cases. The every day silly stuff where most people end up getting themselves out of their wallowing as part of the natural cycle of life. Victim mentalities are resolved or fade away. There are other cases when people get trapped in victimhood.
 |
| https://upliftconnect.com/what-causes-addiction/ |
People can adapt their victimhood as part of their identity and breaking free seems impossible or scary. I'm talking about the people who are so deep into it that they have full-blown martyr complex, substance abuse issues, health problems... everything in their lives is going wrong and the only action they take is to complain and stonewall every solution. It goes on for months, years, decades. They completely defend or deny any unhealthy behavior. They take no responsibility. They refuse to seek help, aren't honest in therapy, or stop going altogether because the professional was wrong and they (the patient) know better. Ah denial... I've been there, and I can tell you it's pointless to try. I know I didn't listen. I just kept myself in misery. You will get yelled at, blamed, be given a billion excuses, manipulated with emotional outbursts. They want to stay sick and you can't help them, especially if your relationship isn't a close one... "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink"... we've known this for centuries. The prospect of change is the scariest thing in the world to them (but the only thing that can save them). They are the only ones who can do it. Is this relationship worth all that to you? Are you getting anything positive?
I'm not saying people don't need support systems, but support is for people who make the effort. Don't support people who just want punching bags and deep pockets. Sometimes there's nothing you can do to help someone. Sometimes even if you can help them it's pointless because they are so deep in denial that they can only hear their own version of what you're trying to say anyway. Sometimes they're so far into this triangle that it has reached "rock-bottom time" and you need to let it happen and hope for the best for them. Sometimes a relationship isn't deep enough or important enough to invest all that time and effort. There's nothing left to do. Staying in the cycle just enables them, gives them yet another distraction or justification no matter the role you try to play.
Here is some additional reading on other related issues since everything is connected. We don't only form relationships with people! We form them with ways of thinking and communicating, with objects, and with actions... anything that is connected to us (draws an emotional response). It's a good idea to check in with yourself and make sure your attachments/relationships are healthy and balanced. Keep away from unhealthy distractions, drains, obsessions, addictions, extremes or perversions. Most importantly, know yourself! It's far easier to see other peoples' issues than it is to see our own. I've learned that if something really grates on you in another person, it's probably because it's part of something you need to address in yourself. Once you really address your issues and deal with their underlying causes, other people don't seem so infuriating... because they aren't attached to you by that common thread anymore.
 |
| https://hbr.org/2018/01/what-self-awareness-really-is-and-how-to-cultivate-it |
Learned Helplessness
Emotional Abuse and Codependency
Defense Mechanisms (healthy vs unhealthy)
Attachment Styles
Symptoms of Codependency
Religion and Addiction
Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship (know your own role! take responsibility!)
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