PTSD Conditioning

Some days he walks away
And anything that felt good before
Turns to shit at the door
Unfairly canceled out by
Something
That actually means
Nothing

My body won't agree
My body feels betrayed
By his responsibility
...................................... to leave me
"He has to leave" I tell it
"He'll be back"
"He'll be the same"

She disagrees
Completely

 In my temples and behind my eyes
I feel those saline pools
Gathering for an appearance
"STOP" my mind scolds
"Shut that damn door"

My body is in disbelief
She's in desperate need
She feels the sting of loneliness
For 38 months
All at once

Like Ms Oliver told us
The soft animal of my body
Doesn't separate causes from effects
A broken bone is broken nonetheless

Biology is reactive and unreasonable
It's Pavlovian
It's conditioned to be what it's trained to be
Through experience
It makes no sense

She feels the same as she did before
Like he's going to war
Or like she'll lose him along the way
To the darkness of his own conditioned mess
Yes

Until I can recondition my body's reality
She won't agree some days
That he can leave
And come back the same

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