This is My Forties

WRITTEN OVER THE COURSE OF MONTHS: It's hard to believe I haven't been romantic with another person in over 2 years. I feel this pressure to not let myself dry up and settle into the comfort of not having to maintain a relationship. Some days I'm lonely.  Most days I'm not. I read some articles about dating in this century and even those were triggering at first. Eventually I settled on match.com because it seemed the least likely to be for just hook ups. Y'all I don't think I'll ever be able to just hook up with people... and it's not a goal of mine.  So, anyway, match.  I made a profile, kept it hidden for weeks and didn't pay a dime. I finally unhid it last weekend and kept it visible for 3 days. I paid for 6 months. I was feeling a little flirty and positive. But then got TOO MUCH ATTENTION.  It was overwhelming. I haven't been able to log in and look at all the messages or likes. I have this weird guilt with leaving people hanging, but also,...

Brief note - I recently joined substack to support a podcast I really like, and it reminds me of blogging. I decided to come back here and check on the old gal. Y'all... I've had this blog for over 20 years. I started it in 2005. Dang! It has been Blogunta  then  Tales of a Lonely Army Wife then Tales of a Lonely Army Wife No More then This is my Forties ... so much is recorded here. If google ever drops this service I'm going to have a lot of downloading to do to back this puppy up.

I just completed a 14.44 mile solo hike for my 44th birthday. I came here and found this old gem from 2021. When I was just starting to get into hiking more and trying to expand my confidence zone : https://blogunta.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-seven-mile-solo-hike.html I had therapy today and I just identified that a lot of the journaling I was doing before my divorce was me trying to un-feel things or change how I felt, fix how I felt, convince myself to feel something else. I would vent onto the page over and over and over about the same damned things and then talk myself out of it, make it my fault, make it about something I needed to grow into. I for sure needed to grow... and that will never stop. But, reading a lot of my old writing now I just want to scream at myself to stop trying to fix things and LEAVE ALREADY! I can't believe I was so blinded for so long. Recovery has been much faster now that I'm not consistently being re-injured! Now, the things in my confidence zone ar...

Since I take all my photos with my phone, I was trying to use the blogger app to do the 365in2024 posts, but the photos would be rotated and there was no way to fix it in the app or on the desktop version. I lack patience and time for shit like that. So, I uploaded them to a flickr album instead... with no words. At least I kinda did it ;)