Skip to main content

dating saga

WRITTEN OVER THE COURSE OF MONTHS:

It's hard to believe I haven't been romantic with another person in over 2 years. I feel this pressure to not let myself dry up and settle into the comfort of not having to maintain a relationship. Some days I'm lonely.  Most days I'm not. I read some articles about dating in this century and even those were triggering at first. Eventually I settled on match.com because it seemed the least likely to be for just hook ups. Y'all I don't think I'll ever be able to just hook up with people... and it's not a goal of mine. 

So, anyway, match. 

I made a profile, kept it hidden for weeks and didn't pay a dime. I finally unhid it last weekend and kept it visible for 3 days. I paid for 6 months. I was feeling a little flirty and positive. But then got TOO MUCH ATTENTION.  It was overwhelming. I haven't been able to log in and look at all the messages or likes. I have this weird guilt with leaving people hanging, but also, I don't want to start 15 chats with 15 new people. I responded to a couple of the initial ones... no idea what's happening now. 

Admittedly, I'm avoiding. Part of me fears there are insults, expectations, predators. I haven't been able to think positively about it again. I saw some great people. Epic nerds posed next to Golden Girls cutouts or giant tardigrade statues. And I thought - safe, fun, easy. But that dissolved quickly once it became more than an AIM chat.

I'm disappointed in myself. I'm not sure what's going on or why this is so hard for me. My self esteem is fine so it's not that. What I lack is faith in humanity (especially in men) and in relationships being a worthwhile endeavor rather than a time-suck and hassle.

I was motivated by something good to start this. Maybe I'll log in right now.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I did it!! Painless and fun... for another few days. I just don't want to date like this. It's a weird format. I am so nervous moving from virtual to in-person. I hate being on the phone. I want to find a way to start with in person like it was back in the 1900's.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I tried flirting with a single friend and got shot down, so now what. I will keep avoiding it entirely and use my busy life and kids as the reason. It's not wrong but I probably do have the time to date. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I keep having rejection nightmares. I put all this effort into trying to have an encounter with someone and they give me nothing back. Nothing. And I don't stop trying, which was exactly what I did in my marriage. Not a restful sleep.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I look in the mirror and see my middle-aged body losing muscle tone and gaining belly fat. I swing from feeling flirty and attractive to feeling like a slovenly fat bag of wrinkles and lumps. When I had time to go to 3 exercise classes per week I was doing a lot better, but now I have to spend 6 hours a day in a car because I'm a single mom again with no help. I'm so frustrated. I feel so trapped. How the hell could I entertain a notion to start investing in another relationship when I barely have time for myself?
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Very bad day today

I got a horrible phone call early this morning from someone I used to work with. A friend of mine, who was stationed in Iraq, was killed yesterday in her sleep when her trailer was hit. SGT Trista Moretti was an amazing person. She had an impact on so many lives in so many places. It's going to be tough for everyone (like me) who can't make it to Jersey to say goodbye. I've been crying off and on all damn day. It seems so unfair. I hate this war and don't agree with it, but I don't think she died in vain. She died for everyone else out there. They fight for each other, not a cause, not their government. That's what I miss about the Army. I miss my comrades. Trista was hilarious and beautiful and had this great Jersey accent. We used to play word games and gossip and eat lunch together every day. We would laugh all day long while we "worked" haha. I remember when she first got to the unit I told everyone some bitchy chick with an accent was in the...
32 comments
Read more

Hurricane Sandy

This will be a gleefully uneventful post, but I thought I should at least inform everyone of our whereabouts during Frankenstorm. On Friday the landfall predictions were further south, which had the eye passing near our tiny town after obliterating Dover, DE.  We happen to be surrounded by water.  The Patuxent River on one side, Chesapeake Bay on the other, plenty of swamps and creeks in between.  Not a good prospect. Josh and I had gone out that night to try and secure supplies and already, there were no batteries or flashlights.  We also don't have a grill and thought "we'll try Lowe's tomorrow"I mean, most people already own grills... right?  Everything in our house is run on electricity (including the water pump for the well) except for the fireplace.  I don't know what builders are thinking when they do that.  I at least want a gas stove and water heater!  So, anyways.  We got a few hours of sleep before trying to brave the crowds...
2 comments
Read more

Hiking on the Guadarrama Trail

As promised yesterday, I actually left the house and went on a hike with Mama C and Goober!  YAY! I was a bad Mommy and ill prepared to shield us from the hot Spanish sun so we all have a touch of sunburn.  Whoops.  It was fun though.  OK so here's where we began our journey.  You can see the bridge between the roundabout and the little house with a red roof (which is a restaurant).  All the cylindrical buildings were a plant nursery.  We walked over the bridge and past the nursery where we crossed the street and then started up the dirt path.  The other little building is literally a Gypsy Keep. Here's what it looked like from the road... and it was so ridiculously creepy, yet fascinating.  I don't know why there is always tons of junk in trees around gypsy places.  There was a gutted van in the backyard, a stroller jammed into a wall, shorts in the trees.  We both wanted to trespass, but the kids would have inevitably fal...
Post a Comment
Read more