This is My Forties

So, as you can tell from my last couple posts we've been having quite a time out here.  I'm notorious for diving into my subconscious and emotions.  I dig and prod to find deeper meaning in practically everything that happens to me or around me.  I even self-analyze the shows I watch, the foods I want to eat, what I choose to wear, what I want to read... and I have to admit, I've learned a whole hell of a lot since I started my hyper self-awareness.  Here's what I found out. We do so many things every day without realizing that little messages are trying to make their way inside to help us handle what we have to face.  Tons of tiny hints are being given to alert us to our inner problems and solutions and we're acting on these things as if by magic.  We're doing it blindly like we're hypnotized and god's somewhere in there screaming HEY!!!!  LOOK!!!  I want to binge watch "The Office" again... why?  Who am I relating to?  Why now? ...

Just wrote this before a very difficult session of repeating over and over again out loud "I acknowledge that I failed" -breathe- "I forgive myself for failing" -breathe- ... and I had to do it until the 2nd part stopped crushing my chest and making me cry.  Took some time.  Many many breaths.  Why share this?  Because we've all been there and it's not something to be ashamed about or hide.  I wanted to share how I get through those moments.  Maybe you can try it too and it will do the same.  Now my heart feels better, my chest isn't tight.  Now I can breathe.  Will I have to do it again soon?  Maybe.  Sometimes it takes more than once before the full effect of all that anger and negativity is really out of me... before I can forgive myself for being weak.  Anyway, here it is. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Love it All" Without my...

I wrote these some time ago for myself and never planned to share them, but I keep getting signs that I'm supposed to do just that.  They aren't great.  They aren't my best, but I needed to write them to help with the loneliness of dealing with loved ones with mental health issues.  Two out of the many many I've written over the years.  I think a lot of the times when I've felt overwhelmed it's my "inner child" that comes out so anything I write is simplistic and clumsy, but still me.  She wants to be heard!  I'm done feeling embarrassed by the writing.  And... it's good therapy. So, to whoever is out there reading I hope you get something out of these.  You aren't alone.  You aren't crazy for still being here.  You are amazing.   They are getting better.  You are NOT completely screwing everything up.  Even if they can't acknowledge it at times, you are appreciated.  They love you and need you.  Keep fighting...