This is My Forties

I've been researching, reading about, diving into, writing about, and thinking about building confidence and self-trust for about 8 years now. It's time to get more intentional and active about it. I think I'm ready to move into that phase finally. I have a tendency to take in information and keep mulling it over, writing and expounding upon this that and the other, but now it's time for an actual plan. An action plan. I understand the problem as much as I can from the outside looking in. Now it's time to create learning opportunities: to make mistakes and deal with the consequences or to achieve something and deal with the praise. That's the next phase of learning... doing . So today I am creating a specific list of tasks that I have to do in the months ahead that specifically target insecurities and seek to force me to deal with the reality of those insecurities. The goal is to be able to build resilience  by proving my old voices wrong with a stack of accompl...

This month I suffered a "collapse" at some point... I have only a basic idea when, and I am struggling to pull myself back out of it. It's the same as last time I suffered a collapse, but I'm a little more connected with the present this time and for that I should be proud (more on that later).  For those that don't know what a collapse is, it's not a mental breakdown . Collapses are when you feel like your self-esteem and self-worth bubble has been popped and it immediately disappears. Collapses are what narcissists go through when they are wounded. It's also what children who were raised by narcissists go through due to their sensitivity to criticism, having been criticized their entire lives.  With me, a collapse is followed by a period of being unable to name my emotions or connect with them at all (dissociation), beating myself up about not being better/different/enough (but not realizing that is what I am doing), outwardly focusing on others to try ...

I made myself take a trip alone to a new park and a new hiking spot. I did this back on the 17th and the truth is I am still trying to feel proud about what I accomplished. It's been interesting. Here's what I want to feel proud about (because this has all generally been way outside of my confidence zone). Note: I started using confidence zone for everything that is outside of my current comfort zone, but that I am dedicated to changing. Comfort zone is for everything I am sure about being part of my personal boundaries and will likely stay exactly how they are for my entire life: I had another trip planned that got canceled last minute and I didn't take it as a criticism or read into reasons of how I had failed. I honestly didn't take any of it personally and it didn't bother me. I dove into my resources and planned a few options after writing and doing self-care to make sure I was excited about what I was planning instead of feeling pressured to pick something in...

 I can tell I haven't written in awhile because it feels awkward. My sentences are clunky and my vocabulary is pediatric  haha... I like how I just drove my point home. I haven't written a poem in forever. Let's see if one will magically come to the surface as I tap the keys. Time is ridiculous It tells me I have waited forever, Then comforts me about my glacial speed of change. Time is bipolar It loves me and then hates me It can't seem to decide how to treat me From one of its personal increments to the next Time owns me Time controls me It's abusive or friendly depending on its mood Time heals all wounds. I live my life by Time Time knows this and uses it to its advantage Time is a sonofabitch and a savior It steals my vacations and the youth of my children It leaves me hours of work, days of grief, years of sadness I just need Time .

I am currently in therapy, have been since August. After I graduated from college I suffered a massive emotional collapse... a crisis of confidence. I felt like I had no value to anyone, was unlovable, a burden and a drain on others, neglected & abandoned. Josh started traveling a whole lot more and I couldn't deal with it in a healthy way because I wasn't connected to him in a healthy way. I had lost a lot of coping skills and COVID blasted everything else out of my life. I tried to pull myself out of it through groups, friends, another job. Nothing ever really worked. The whole idea of self love was not new to me and I toyed with practicing it. I've blogged about it many times. However, it can only last so long if you don't deal with the emotional pain of receiving negative messages that got you there in the first place. They always come back to undermine your progress unless you truly allow yourself to feel everything. I have started the process of experiencing t...