This is My Forties

"Learn... Change" No matter how much you know How well you eat How safe you are How aware you become There is chaos And it will come It will swallow you up Erase you Drain you It will take your feet And force you to your knees And remind you of the truth You have no control We can understand every law But we can't stop gravity We can cure an illness But we still get sick The one pure truth Is that control is an illusion A delusion we all suffer We're just managing our symptoms While learning to recover Chaos is at the heart of change Impossible to avoid Prepare for the storm because it is wise But remember Preparation is not protection It's just how we survive Be ready for the chaos Develop the tools to recover But remember to embrace the lessons All chaos has to offer The point is to learn The point is to change It's not a punishment It just is It's not personal It just exists You don't fall because gr...

Josh has been gone a lot and I keep telling myself it's silly to be sad.  He's just right over in Virginia, it's only for a week or two.  We've done this for far longer.  Stop it.  Stop it.  Stop it.  So, I started getting depressed and I tend to binge watch reality TV when that happens.  Hoarders sucked me in this time.  Then suddenly I realized parallels.  I have turned some of my emotions into hoarders.  I might not have walls of trash everywhere, but I have a million excuses why I won't allow myself to be sad or why I should be afraid of something or not trust someone.  Why I need to keep control.  It's all happening in my mind.  "This is still good, I can't throw it out... I had plans for it"... and it just hit me like a flash (while I was in the tub, of course).  So I wrote about what I felt.  Then I stopped thinking myself out of it and let myself be sad and cry about Josh being gone.  I feel much mu...

July 22, 2015 Trying to describe what god is to me is like Trying to remember a dream the moment I awaken The harder I try, the more it fades Until I find the balance between conscious and not Just read the emotions and the glimpses Without active thought Then some comes back to me Enough to understand the message Or it's like When a smell brings on a memory It's never one thing specifically It's the concept of it, the feelings it contained I smell and remember the summer of 1992 Grandma's kitchen in Warren My Dad on a Sunday My Mom's house at Christmas I just have to let it wash over me It's instant and all-consuming It doesn't run slow like a movie And it's only mine That's how god feels to me It's that glimpse, that memory So deeply profound and personal From the innermost folds of my mind And I can't begin to convey its worth God isn't an individual or an entity for me It's an experience, too big to...

Josh and I met because we were destined to meet.  We were laughing the other day about our circumstances beforehand.  What clueless kids we were!  I was pissed off for being assigned to Spanish. I was better than that, capable of far greater challenges, completely devastated by this silly little existence.  Josh was re-classed from SERE school (AF special forces) into munitions and he was pissed off for being undervalued and having his talents wasted, devastated by this silly little existence.  We thought we were so damned amazing.  Of course we had to be together.  We had to teach each other lessons about how we fail miserably and how we can succeed.  I already knew all these things about myself, but I never recognized their power to destroy or maintain a relationship.  Your personality is like a toolbox... if you use the tools correctly you get the job done, but if you try to saw wood with a screwdriver you're in for a lot of pain and frust...

:: found this in my drafts folder, always thought it was too boring to post it, but I read it and I guess it's been long enough for me to think it's funny lol... life with toddlers is tough!! goes with these little gems :: September, 2010 I was talking with Josh and mentioned my Day in the Life posts. I said there really was no point of doing a day in MY life when it's pretty obvious from the others what I do all day. It would be boring... "you might think it's boring, but the way you write makes it sound exciting"... I love him :) He's so nice lol. Now, normally our days aren't so routined and monotonous, but since we lack transportation we've become little robot hermits here. It's been 5 months since I had a vehicle at home. Most days I go a little crazy with the boredom and lack of spontaneity or adult conversation. Thankfully I have a good friend out here so we hang out a lot or at least talk on the phone almost daily. Thank yo...

Yesterday I was reminded of something I noticed about our society quite some time ago.  George Takei had posted an article of comics depicting sexism that's thrust upon boys.  I agree.  I have 3 boys and I see how they are pressured to fit into this macho mold.  That's not what I want to talk about though... that moment closed the circle for me. We started bringing light to how society belittles, stereotypes, bullies, misunderstands, mistreats, and undervalues people a long time ago.  It really kicked in with the civil rights movement and feminism in the 60's.  Our downtrodden members fought for the understanding and compassion they deserved by sharing their stories, with the intent to draw out our empathy.  It worked beautifully, but I feel it created a dangerous side-effect.  We became a nation obsessed with victim-hood.  Suffering became the barometer by which we measured the value of a person's opinion or worth.  If you haven't suf...

I spend an inordinate amount of time out in nature and, like Einstein so aptly suggested , it helps me "understand everything better".  Lately the lesson I have been shown over and over again is how arrogant we are as humans.  For no real reason that I can think of other than our desire to be in control, we write off most of our behaviors to choice.  Why? It makes no sense to think nothing we do (other than suckling) is pre-programmed into our DNA like every other animal and living thing on the planet.  Some of the most bizarre and amazing behaviors exist in other living things... like the bowerbird that constructs beautiful works of art to attract a mate (without ever being taught).  The poisonous frogs that live in the rainforest that dutifully carry their tadpoles one by one to a specific  kind of plant and feeds them until they grow legs.  The octopus that starves herself to death for 6 months to protect her eggs.  You can watch these an...

Taking credit for my art Would be like claiming control over my height I just have it, so I do it You see The positive aspects, I brush aside Give them over to chance, god, circumstance The negative ones, though, they're all mine I clutch onto them like an addict My drugs Obsessing over the parts of me I despise Imagining control over their creation and demise I cannot see my value today I struggle to un-focus my eyes To see me as a whole Not just the parts that are broken Hanging Dragging Scraping Festering As I try to run from them If I would just pick them up Accept them as they are I could find a way to carry them on To keep moving To  allow their added weight       to strengthen me God help me

07/11/15 I used to relish my pain Displayed it like a prize Framed it, laminated it Showed it to everyone Told its story Like it was my child It defined me It excused me It kept me hidden And blameless I was proud of it Like it made me special Thought it was conquered Through experiencing it This is never the case So it made me sick Eventually I saw I took it down from my walls And am healing... but... Sometimes I miss... it's just It's hard to quit

I want to write words that can sing Carry you off in their meaning Or ones that sit in your gut like gravel Grinding at your core until you can finally Understand I want words that can paint the perfect picture Draw metaphors that transport you into another's shoes The geese, the path less taken, the caged bird I want to pull you in close like we're sharing a secret just you and me quietly gently effortlessly whisper That one perfect thing that awakens you The flame The seed That's what I want my words to be. I want to find words that attach to your heart And make it pound      and ache        and skip I want to write words that can finally fill That empty space You hadn't known was there in the first place I want to confuse you with Hidden Me an in G Send you h----u....n-t---ing M-a-k-e y-o-u slow down and t-h-i-n-k About what you're avoiding. I want words that have exceptional power Grand, rushing, t...

5/22/2015 It's not just a haircut It's a promise to myself It's a release It's me allowing ME To show myself It's adopting the attitude Of the confident, the proud The artists The lesbians The black women The feminists The punk rockers All the defiant women Who say "we know you don't accept us But, we accept us And that's all that matters". I've admired them for 19 years I am these women It's more than a haircut It's a promise to myself To stop being a victim Stop hiding within myself To unapologetically And openly And honestly Live MY life Without limits placed by others Without pressures enforced by others It's about me letting ME speak And live And be And it scares the shit out of me But, I'm ready I can't wait to be free Be the badass I want to be I can do it It's always been in me.

5/8/2015 I missed the feel of it I missed the look of my own handwriting Creeping over the page Unplanned and in pen A permanent record of One Tiny Thought Given the importance of being written

Yes, that slavery.  I know... I can feel the collective chest tightening as you get a little scared for me, a white girl, trying to talk about this topic.  She's going to put her foot in her mouth!  What's going to happen!  What makes me qualified to talk about this?  I live in the USA and I have access to our history.  Mostly, though... I WANT to.  I'm tired of feeling like we're separate.  I am done being quiet.  We need some honesty and some introspection.  I am so so so tired of this racism and silence and I realize I'm part of the problem if I keep my views to myself.  "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" - MLK Disclaimer :: I KNOW this won't apply to all people.  I'm talking about the general separation that we keep between us, black and white.  Where did it come from?  Why is it so regional?  I speak from my own personal experience.  If you don't have this expe...

On this day we appreciate and show gratitude for all those special women in our lives.  We recognize, as a whole country, the importance of the role of "mother".  So, it was interesting that I had an attack of self-loathing yesterday while we were celebrating early.  I don't deserve this.  I'm worthless, weak, a coward, a failure, lumpy and bumpy, crooked, broken < >.  It happens once in awhile.  It lasted until the morning despite my efforts (and Josh's) to help me process the REALITY from the emotional conditioning I've heaped onto myself over these 33 years of life.  It helped a little, but still I was feeling very guarded this morning.  Then I decided to write about it instead.  Here's what leaked out onto the page and liberated me from feeling worthless.  Maybe you can draw some insight or inspiration.  We all do it, or have done it at some point in time. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...

The flowers Had a meeting today They decided one type Makes a better display You may have been orange and tall by design But we want only red and short On vines So one by one each type was cut Until only roses were left But The garden wasn't made for the garden The flowers don't exist for themselves The bees and the birds were missing their perch And the foxes suffered as well Nothing alive is pointless The weed, the bug, or you We each have a role before us And we exist for it as we do When roses decide you're unwelcome Remember you were never a rose And even the weed is important Realize your role and grow

In any given day I have quite a few questions go through my head... much like a big toddler.  I always catch myself looking at something outside and suddenly going "now wait a minute WHY is it like that?!".  Or I'll be at school and have to jot down all my big questions during lessons so I can look them up later.  Lately my questions have been profound enough that google doesn't have the answers for me.  Here's a few that have been trapped in my brain, looking for hints to their big answers while I live my life.  Trying to figure out how much further and deeper I can take a question and apply it to something practical. - Why do sycamore trees shed their bark in winter?  What is the evolutionary reason?  Does it provide a benefit?  Is it just a random mutation?   There are 3 main hypotheses as to why, but none have been tested . - Both plants and animals evolved the ability to live independently of water at the same time... plants star...

Last week I suddenly sprang awake at 4am and HAD to write.  I began writing a list of 10 self-limiting behaviors I have faced and changed over the past few years.  I scoffed that I felt like Moses receiving the 10 commandments or something, how immediate and necessary it felt... so much so that god woke me up at 4am!  Then I kept it all to myself.  I knew I was supposed to share it, but whatever.  I chickened out.  Then I had a very obvious dream last night that I put on 10 nicotine patches all over my torso and hid them under a shirt.  As I sat there I got ill because the drug was overflowing my system.  I knew it was about those realizations.  So, here are the ten lessons I've learned (among so many) and am still fighting to detox from my mind.  Hopefully, if you're guilty of any of these you will be able to face them and change too.  Or, if you aren't guilty, you will know me better.  I would like everyone who knew me then ...

The past couple months have been difficult for me on a very personal level.  Apparently all my studies and personal growth over the last couple years were preparing me for this huge task of confronting my inadequacies, accepting them, and learning how to live with the knowledge that I may never truly change certain aspects of myself.  In keeping with my desire for truth I'm not going to share with anyone my real fears.  It doesn't matter.  What matters is that they exist and I'm working on them.  No matter what it is the process is the same.  The struggle is the same.  Not knowing will keep everyone unbiased and hopefully introspective.  That old serenity prayer that everyone knows... I finally get it.  It's about external influence, but it's also about self discovery. There are things I have always known about myself that I accept because they're easy and they're nice.  The truly difficult part is confronting the things I don't a...

Growing up in a landlocked state like Ohio means that I am fascinated with beaches.  A beach in winter to me is like some kind of bizarre unnatural spectacle that must be seen.  So, I went to check out my local beach in winter. There are waves crashing into ice-covered driftwood, you guys.  For me it was like watching a ferocious lion play with a baby hamster or something.  The juxtaposition of winter in a "summer place" made me giddy.  It was cool. I saw seagulls sliding around on a frozen lagoon.  They would glide overhead, land and slide around a bit, and then they slammed their beaks into the ice to break through and grab what little morsels they had spotted from the air.  I saw ice sheets covering the sand with ripples in them. I saw shells filled with slush.  I can't wait to go back when there's snow... snow on the sand.  That's just crazy talk!  It was a lot of fun for me (if you couldn't tell).  Hopefully my editing ...