This is My Forties

I felt a lot better today, still can't breathe very well and everyone wants to tell me it's from quitting smoking. Funny how smoking causes all the health problems and then when you quit, that does. Like nicotine withdrawals can really be that bad.... can they? I don't care, regardless I am DONE SMOKING. You hear me "Big Tobacco"? I hate you and your soothing cancer sticks. I think I am going to start taking Noah to this reading time at Barnes & Nobles. This Saturday it shall be "The Giving Tree". I just hope I don't cry. That book is so damn sad haha. WELL IT IS! They get to make leaves and a huge community giving tree and they are to write what they will share with others on the leaves. Will Noah get it? Probably not, but he DID say "yellow" yesterday so who knows. I am multi-tasking while Josh is typing an excerpt from a book out that I have to read. Oh... good quotes and ideas. Back to my baby. :)

Noah feels great now and I feel like CRAAAAAAAAP. It's kinda nice because he lets me lay on the couch while he detroys everything. I can't breathe out of my nose and I really can't breathe period. I'm wheezing really badly, chest is tight... keep coughing. All in all I'd say I feel pretty freakin' great. If my chest gets any worse I will go to the ER or something, it's freaking me out.

Myspace pisses me off. Does that site ever work right? I haven't checked it in 2 days becausu I don't believe in waiting longer than 2 minutes for a website to load... there's no flash media, no graphics... it's just a piece of shit and Tom needs to fix it. Time to go to work. IT'S FRIDAY! yum :)

Now Noah's got a stomach bug. I thought maybe it was a reaction to the antibiotics, but then I got it too. Luckily I'm not puking... yet. Hopefully I won't ever (knocks on wood). I just want to sleep. Maybe drink some chamomile. On the plus side Noah and I have been able to beat our addictions through this sickness. He, his night time bottle and I, my cigarettes. The desire is gone and we're both too tired to care I think haha. Josh: I went to bed. Call if you want, but I probably am not getting online. I love you, baby. Goodnight everyone

no tax return this year... we actually owe $104 oh well, at least it's not very much. that's what I get for making money. I'm saving everything this year... ima itemize. I'll save every single stupid receipt from everything and claim it all. Take THAT. meh... good thing we weren't counting on any money

I quit smoking yesterday. I didn't plan it. I didn't savor the final cigarette. I had one at 1030 and then I was going to have another after I ate... I got distracted, my friend Amy called from DLI and I was talking to her for awhile. It was 1230. I thought about my lungs and I thought about the nastiness I felt that morning in my chest, and I couldn't make myself want a cigarette. My other friend Amy from work was on her 3rd day smoke free and she did it the same way. She said she thought "I'm 25... how long am I going to smoke, am I going to be 30 and smoking?" so she just stopped. I broke down and lit one last night, but I couldn't breathe it in. I just didn't want to. I think I just felt like holding it. Our cat "Rocky" (Rockafeller) died, he was 18 years old. He lived a long and fulfilled life. He had people and other cats around all the time. He struggled over to my little brother Ben, Ben pet him for awhile and then Roc...

Today was pretty boring. Though, I was still feeling the exhiliration of paying off yet another bill... one to collections, no less. I need to research IRA's and Mutual Funds and 401K's and crap. Did you know that saving money costs money? Yeah if the bank gives you interest you have to pay taxes on it again. How dumb is that?! I paid taxes on it the first time jerks! Sigh... anyway... We have money to invest and save so it'd be a good time to do it. Especially since we know we can't count on Social Security. Starting young is the best thing. All the people I work with who are in their 40's and 50's say they wish they would have started young. We're just lucky we can. Anyway... off to the exciting world of investment research. :P I was looking at this for awhile, waiting for Josh to get online. It's great. You can even specify what amenities you want. I think Josh opted to sleep tonight, probably not voluntarily... after so many naps and not sleeping th...

here's the 2 pics I was able to take... everything's kinda dead right now... I'm still thinking about it. The lady seemed a bit neurotic and I don't know if I want to be at her mercy for 2 whole days and be forced to only eat her food at whatever price she so chooses. It is great, but I don't know... very far out there and at the mercy of the ranch . Something felt weird. main house... I think it's where the lady actually lives pool behind the main house

I found a pediatrician a mere 5 minutes away from the house and daycare . He's a really sweet Indian man (dots, not feathers). I was surprised to see on the sign "now accepting Tricare Prime enrolled patients". So... no copay EVER! I didn't wait very long at all. Noah barely cried, the doc was thorough, yet quick. He even noticed a rash on his stomach and back that I didn't notice. It was nothing, by the way. He looked at his dry skin too. Noah's got an ear infection and a sinus infection. The whole experience was great. I felt secure and well cared for and not stressed. The military hospital stresses me the hell out. He said to bring Noah's shot records over and we'll get him caught up. He said at his clinic they don't give them everything at 12 months, seems a little excessive and too hard on the baby body. I was so glad to hear that... I totally agree. AND!!!! They're open until 5, unlike military where it's "fill as you go" ap...

Noah was a lot better this morning so I shuttled him on over to daycare. I refuse to go back to sleep. I want as much self time as I can get. I think I am going to get back into my car and just drive. There's a lot that needs done. The house is a mess. I need to make a dr. appt. for Noah. The car needs a tune up, tire rotation and oil change pretty badly. I want to go over to Security Service Federal Credit Union and start putting money into savings there. Will I do any of this? I don't know. Right now the only thing I'm up for is taking movies back to hollywood. All I know is I really don't want to be in the house. So... why am I here, you ask. Well, I needed to grab more cigs from the freezer. I think maybe if I do some productive things I'll feel better. I feel rather blah today. I've been missing Josh a lot lately. I feel like I am constantly on the verge of tears. Songs make me want to cry. TV makes me want to cry. Noah makes me want to...

Still not asleep, as you see... didn't take a shower yet either. I'm scared tonight. I keep hearing noises. Being vulnerable and naked in a shower won't make me feel any better. I am going to at least try and lay down, maybe watch TV. I've been watching a movie in the living room. It wasn't scary, but it wasn't pleasant... maybe that's why. Though, it's been a long time since I actually went to sleep. I'm such a baby. Usually I just eventually pass out. And that's what sleep timers are for. I love you, Josh. Talk to you later. 73 more days. Goodnight.

I just got off the webcam with Josh. I was able to talk to him in near real time all the way from Iraq, not bad at all. Yay technology! I actually didn't cry this time. Last 2 times I bawled my eyes out. I think that's because he stared right into the camera for about 5 minutes and I had him on full screen... life sized, slightly pixelated, soooo close but so far away, cutest thing ever... and I couldn't just reach out and touch him. I couldn't kiss him or smell his hair. It just made me break down. Somehow we manage to transmit the same emotions through eye contact on webcams as we do in person. Must be all the lub. Noah's sick again. Actually I'm not sure he ever got over it. Damn you daycare!!! I am selfish and want him to be ok on Monday so I can have a mom day and take him to daycare (no work for me, but daycare's open). I need it. I've been getting frustrated and I haven't been sleeping well again. When I feel like this, I'm ...

I was trodding through blog sites and I realized I skipped over every political commentary one I came across. I need someplace to get personal and I already have this one so I figured why not. I still plan on being political, but on here instead.

briefly describe 5 of your favorite days or experiences. 1. our CC (anniversary of when we started dating... it was the same day we realized we were going to get married too, deep gut feeling) 2. our anniversary 3. day we had Noah 4. the Austin trip 5. Kansas City date & our last night out in San Antonio list your 5 favorite movies at the moment. 1. 40 year old virgin 2. saved 3. spanglish 4. mean girls 5. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind list your 5 favorite movies of all time. 1. shawshank redemption 2. moulin rouge 3. what dreams may come 4. the money pit 5. robin hood (the animated Disney version) list your 5 favorite songs at the moment. 1. when i look to the sky - train 2. red to black - fort minor 3. everything changes - staind 4. past and pending - the shins 5. 40' - franz ferdinand list your 5 favorite songs of all time. (this is hard, I like too much) 1. drive - incubus 2. home - duncan shiek 3. another horsedreamer's blues - counting crows 4. just another d...