and so begins the blessed day off

Noah was a lot better this morning so I shuttled him on over to daycare. I refuse to go back to sleep. I want as much self time as I can get. I think I am going to get back into my car and just drive. There's a lot that needs done. The house is a mess. I need to make a dr. appt. for Noah. The car needs a tune up, tire rotation and oil change pretty badly. I want to go over to Security Service Federal Credit Union and start putting money into savings there. Will I do any of this? I don't know. Right now the only thing I'm up for is taking movies back to hollywood. All I know is I really don't want to be in the house. So... why am I here, you ask. Well, I needed to grab more cigs from the freezer. I think maybe if I do some productive things I'll feel better. I feel rather blah today.

I've been missing Josh a lot lately. I feel like I am constantly on the verge of tears. Songs make me want to cry. TV makes me want to cry. Noah makes me want to cry. The internet, the webcam, writing letters, being at home, trying to sleep, driving past the airport, taking a shower. Even tiny moments of happiness make me a little sad... not during, of course, but immediately afterwards. He's not here to be happy with me... it just makes everything a little less happy. Especially anything having to do with Noah. He turned 17 months old yesterday. I went to Starbucks this morning and all I could think about was backgammon, music, laughing, talking... Josh. I thought: wonder what Josh and I would do with this day off (besides each other hahaha).

Time for some new thoughts. The weather's shitty, looks like rain. I'm probably not going to go check out the ranch today. Plus, if something happens with Noah I want to be able to get back rather quickly. Anyway... I'm outta here. I think I will go to the bank. Saving money and making plans for the future makes me happy. Future is looking great. Present is OK with a chance of good. Past was mostly suck with a chance of ok and lots of gut-wrenching catalysts for change.

I love you, baby :) 71 more days!
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