god bless the internets

I just got off the webcam with Josh. I was able to talk to him in near real time all the way from Iraq, not bad at all. Yay technology! I actually didn't cry this time. Last 2 times I bawled my eyes out. I think that's because he stared right into the camera for about 5 minutes and I had him on full screen... life sized, slightly pixelated, soooo close but so far away, cutest thing ever... and I couldn't just reach out and touch him. I couldn't kiss him or smell his hair. It just made me break down. Somehow we manage to transmit the same emotions through eye contact on webcams as we do in person. Must be all the lub.

Noah's sick again. Actually I'm not sure he ever got over it. Damn you daycare!!! I am selfish and want him to be ok on Monday so I can have a mom day and take him to daycare (no work for me, but daycare's open). I need it. I've been getting frustrated and I haven't been sleeping well again. When I feel like this, I'm a bad mom. I'm not fun. I'm not as caring as I should be. I feel angry. I feel annoyed. I feel massive frustration. It's not healthy. Usually I can tolerate whining and crying and everything. I just want him to go to sleep or go play by himself and stop wanting me. I hate feeling like that. He just loves me.

I crave personal alone time. Just so I can think and blog and relax and SLEEP! I won't have to think about getting to bed at a decent hour so I can get up with the baby. How far I can go in the car before it disrupts naptime or bedtime. How loud I can play my music. What music I can listen to. Smoking while driving. Being able to drink (I worry Noah will wake up and need me and I'll be a bumbling moron and drop him or something). Going places that aren't kid friendly. Going places at all.

I don't regret having Noah. Don't misunderstand. I just need one day. Monday. I will not clean. I will not do one responsible chore all day. I will be completely lazy and selfish... for one day. Then I'll be good for another few months and be a wonderful mom again. Maybe I'll go see a movie. I haven't seen a movie in the theater since August. Then I'll go to Marie Callendars and have that asparagus salmon alfredo pasta. Oh my God... so good. That will be my day.

Though, I must say that it is also fulfilling to take care of a sick baby. He just cuddles all day and you can tell how in love he is and how just being there makes everything better for him.

On a side note... some freakin dumbasses decided to start a garage band at this very moment in time. If they wake up my sick toddler I am going to have some words. Some very loud, condescendingly polite and informative words. Who am I kidding... I'll probably be all meek and say please. Polite works better anyway so I guess I should be thankful for my "nonconfrontational flaw".

I have very little time... I was waiting to hear the blessed sound of silence from Noah's room. I need to take a shower and try to get a nap in before the motrin wears off and his fever comes back. And there it is... silence... bit of congested breathing... and a dumb garage band wafting in the background. Gnite everyone.


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