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It's Officially Official

I've been busy trying to do a little at a time to get this house ready to sell. It's proven to be much more difficult than I imagined. Pretty much all I can get done is the general house cleaning and then I have to feed Tristan or go back and reclean whatever Noah got back out. Luckily Karrie and Clint have been helping me out a lot. She did a my yard work and then Clint got rid of the old wood paneling I had laying around. CJ and Noah "mowed the grass" while we worked to bag leaves and trim trees. I just love my friends. I hate that I'm moving, but am excited at the same time. We had another game night on Saturday with Vita and Brandon. FUN FUN FUN! We played MadGab and Malarky.
Noah and CJ were taking turns dressing up like lions to come out and growl at us. This was Noah's Halloween costume last year when we were in Ohio. I'm glad I kept it because they sure had a fun time! They ended up going to sleep at around midnight after they took every single toy out of Noah's room hahaha. I didn't care, they left us alone! Noah's been a lion pretty much ever since Saturday.

I got Noah's exersaucer out for Tristan to try out. He loves it! He's still so small that I have to put a pillow underneath so he's not dangling haha. It gets him frustrated after awhile, but he likes looking at himself in the little mirror and smiling at the pictures of Daddy. Those pictures have been in there since Noah was little. Dang... it's been such a long time.

I have been trying to prepare myself mentally for Josh's return home, but I just cannot accept it's real yet. Maybe it's a defense mechanism or something, but I won't believe it until he is standing in front of me at the airport. We've had too many close calls and false alarms. I've become a brutally pessimistic Army wife... which is necessary for survival during a loooooong time apart like we've had. He has his orders. He's cleared out. It's happened twice before that we had orders and we were getting packed up when things suddenly change and Uncle Sam rears his ugly head to destroy our little hopes and dreams. So, like I said... until he is physically HERE I won't believe he's coming home. I've been doing little things. I painted my toenails and fingernails last night. I whitened my teeth. I'm planning to get my hair cut sometime this week. I've taken up doing crunches before bed again. But, still... I'm in almost complete denial that this is almost over.


The whole thought of moving is very bittersweet for me. Really the only thing that gives me any amount of joy about it is being with Josh. I like my home. It IS my home. This was our first house and we've put a lot of work into it. Vita's been here the entire time Noah was growing up and we're going to miss her. Noah's really close to his aunt Beeta. I've always been really close to Vita. Just her moving to Austin (an hour and a half away) made me cry. She moved out here to help me take care of my little Noah right when Josh left so she's been here for me through it all. I love my friends here and I don't want to leave them. I don't want to drive, and pack, and sell, and clean, and sign papers, and look for a new house, and unpack, and learn new roads, and find new friends. But, I want to live with my baby so bad that it's probably not even going to stress me out. Anything to be a family again.

I'm guilty of not really trying to get packed up and ready to go. Maybe I want it to be denial, when really it's just a refusal to accept the inevitable truth: we're leaving. Sometimes I feel like if I accept this and start getting ready to leave I would be insulting everyone here who stood by me the whole time Josh was gone. Like, I used everyone and now that I don't need them anymore I'm just going to walk away from them all to be with Josh, who was never here. I feel guilty. Of course I want to be with Josh. They all want that for me as well. But, it's not like he can replace all these people I'm leaving behind. We just can't have everything I suppose. I could never truly express my gratitude to Vita, Kevin, and Jennifer for their support over the years. I'm so grateful for Brandon, Karrie, and Clint for all their support and help over these past few months. I wish I would have met you guys earlier! I know Josh is grateful as well. I wish I could take everyone with me. But... I can't. I gotta go. Now that I've finally written it all down it's very real and I am quite sad. There are SO MANY more pictures. They've got me crying :/ I am going to post more later.

Comments

Britni said…
I love the lion suit!!!!The lawn mower picture is a hoot also.What a character Noah is.He & Ava would get along great,let me tell you!
12/04/2007 7:39 PM
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