As soon as I dropped my Dad off at the airport on Wednesday morning it started raining again. It hasn't stopped yet. Apparently it's not going to stop anytime soon either :P My grass just keeps growing and growing. Brandon and I joked that we should just douse it in diesel and light a match. It would somehow make it grow faster hahaha. Here's me and Noah after painting a little bit and my belly pic. I'm 31wks pregnant. Noah has my eyes for sure.
I've been in a mellow mood. I guess it's the rain. I've been thinking a lot about the baby and the house and other things. I dream about the baby... it's a girl with a lot of dark hair, kinda like me when I was born. I don't consider it to be a sign. I have nightmares too. I dreamt no real estate agent would sell our house because it was just impossible to sell anything in our area. I dream about losing Josh in various ways. Most of them are perfectly preventable ways and therefore even more infuriating. I think I'm getting nervous as time diminishes. It would be the most awful thing in the world to have waited 3 years for each other only to have something happen that destroys everything we worked for. So that's of course what my sub conscience focuses on! Josh has been quiet. I can't really say much more about it because there's nothing to say. He's just quiet. This is probably why I have the nightmares.
I am sooooooo bored with my life and it's always magnified right after company leaves. I wake up and eat breakfast. I let Noah watch "Chicken Little" while I check my email. I sit around for a few hours and then make lunch. We eat and then take a nap. I sit around for a few more hours, make dinner, sit around some more, and then we go to bed. The worst part is that I hate it, but I can't make myself do anything else. I try to motivate myself to be happy and busy, but it only lasts maybe 2 hours. I tried coffee. I tried vitamins. I tried talking to Josh. I tried going for a drive. I tried singing and acting crazy. I tried playing with Noah. Everything serves as a tiny distraction that quickly fades away. Noah's great and keeps me happy enough to not punch a wall. I'm glad he's around to laugh at :)
I still think about Trista every day and I get really angry about her death. I don't know who I'm angry at. I feel like I should be over it, but I'm not. I tried to talk to Josh but he's just quiet. I feel that I shouldn't talk about it since I'm sure everyone is tired of the heavy emotional topics, but it's really been bothering me. Someone signed on to her Myspace now so I guess that has something to do with it. My theory on "everything happens for a reason" by which I used to live life and deal with hardship seems to be just a meaningless saying used to make people feel better like "she's gone to a better place" or "God has a plan". It doesn't work anymore. I want to get into a fight and kick the ever-loving crap out of someone who deserves it because my friend most certainly did not deserve what happened to her. I hate every a-hole who's still alive and making life miserable for everyone. Why didn't God kill the guy looking at child porn while his pregnant wife and kids are asleep in the other room. There's no plan. Death makes no sense. The most frustrating part of death is seeing how everything else just keeps going like nothing ever happened. People die every day and that's just how it is. Meanwhile, the big news is President Bush having a camera shoved up his butt.
I've been in a mellow mood. I guess it's the rain. I've been thinking a lot about the baby and the house and other things. I dream about the baby... it's a girl with a lot of dark hair, kinda like me when I was born. I don't consider it to be a sign. I have nightmares too. I dreamt no real estate agent would sell our house because it was just impossible to sell anything in our area. I dream about losing Josh in various ways. Most of them are perfectly preventable ways and therefore even more infuriating. I think I'm getting nervous as time diminishes. It would be the most awful thing in the world to have waited 3 years for each other only to have something happen that destroys everything we worked for. So that's of course what my sub conscience focuses on! Josh has been quiet. I can't really say much more about it because there's nothing to say. He's just quiet. This is probably why I have the nightmares.I am sooooooo bored with my life and it's always magnified right after company leaves. I wake up and eat breakfast. I let Noah watch "Chicken Little" while I check my email. I sit around for a few hours and then make lunch. We eat and then take a nap. I sit around for a few more hours, make dinner, sit around some more, and then we go to bed. The worst part is that I hate it, but I can't make myself do anything else. I try to motivate myself to be happy and busy, but it only lasts maybe 2 hours. I tried coffee. I tried vitamins. I tried talking to Josh. I tried going for a drive. I tried singing and acting crazy. I tried playing with Noah. Everything serves as a tiny distraction that quickly fades away. Noah's great and keeps me happy enough to not punch a wall. I'm glad he's around to laugh at :)
I still think about Trista every day and I get really angry about her death. I don't know who I'm angry at. I feel like I should be over it, but I'm not. I tried to talk to Josh but he's just quiet. I feel that I shouldn't talk about it since I'm sure everyone is tired of the heavy emotional topics, but it's really been bothering me. Someone signed on to her Myspace now so I guess that has something to do with it. My theory on "everything happens for a reason" by which I used to live life and deal with hardship seems to be just a meaningless saying used to make people feel better like "she's gone to a better place" or "God has a plan". It doesn't work anymore. I want to get into a fight and kick the ever-loving crap out of someone who deserves it because my friend most certainly did not deserve what happened to her. I hate every a-hole who's still alive and making life miserable for everyone. Why didn't God kill the guy looking at child porn while his pregnant wife and kids are asleep in the other room. There's no plan. Death makes no sense. The most frustrating part of death is seeing how everything else just keeps going like nothing ever happened. People die every day and that's just how it is. Meanwhile, the big news is President Bush having a camera shoved up his butt.
Comments
I'm sorry about Trista.I think it would be be very hard not to think about her death.I have never lost a close friend...well I did when I was 8.My little friend died of Leukemia.It was awful.I was too young to take it all in though.As I look back on it though I think of all she missed out on in life.I do believe she is in heaven.There are so many things in life that just make you wonder why....I guess we will have all the answers someday.For now I just trust that God has a reason and he knows best.
My sisters friends little boy just died this week.He was 6 weeks old.It is heartbreaking and there was no apparent reason for his death,he just stopped breathing.Things like that terrify me and make appreciate my life my kids & my husband even more.I hope I didn't bring you down even more.Call me if you need to talk though.
Love,Brit