To Work or Not To Work

That is the question. This is going to basically be word vomit because I am still processing my thoughts about this whole situation and blogging helps me make sense of it all.

Now I may be jumping the gun here since I haven't actually put my resume out into the world, but a job opportunity has present itself. This is a huge dilemma for me. I would be doing the same thing I used to... and I was damn good at my job. It would pay extremely well and it would be difficult and different every day. I would be making a difference. So what's my dilemma? Well, I feel as though it's not a choice between working or not working. It's a choice between myself or the boys. I can list a million reasons why the money would be beneficial to the whole family, but I'd be kidding myself trying to pretend like money is that important to me. I just can't justify working if our current situation doesn't require me to. I would feel like I was abandoning my job as a Mom. It's not working or not working to me... it's daycare or no daycare, quality time with the family or very little quality time. I always told myself even when I was working that as soon as the bills were paid off I would quit and be a full-time mom. We don't need me to work. Technically the boys don't need me to be at home, but it's my personal belief that it's better for them. My mother was always home. I loved that. I loved being able to come home from school and have my mother greet me with a snack and a hug. I know people who didn't have a parent at home turned out fine... I'm not trying to offend people here.

I've pretty much decided to not even bother trying to get a job. I'm sure Josh would welcome the relief of monetary burden, being the only bread-winner in the house. He said it's completely up to me and I know it is. Noah was in daycare for a year and he was basically sick for that entire time. I was always feeling guilty for not spending more time with him. Yet, why am I sitting here still considering putting my application out to see what happens. I guess I'm selfish. I miss feeling important to people other than Josh and the boys. I miss feeling intelligent and useful. Being a stay-at-home-mom is much harder than my old job. It's monotonous and draining in every way possible. I feel it's best for my kids, though so I'm happy to do it. I wouldn't have had kids if I felt they were burdensome.

Ugh... still. After all that I can't stop thinking about being in that office, writing reports, talking with people, giving briefings, solving problems, and helping stop evildoers. Maybe next year when Noah's in preschool and Tristan's older. Or the year after that when Noah's in kindergarten and Tristan's a toddler. Shoot... by then I'll probably be pregnant with my girl ;) Maybe I should just take a deep breath and get back into my Mommy head and quit thinking about this.
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