To Work or Not To Work
That is the question. This is going to basically be word vomit because I am still processing my thoughts about this whole situation and blogging helps me make sense of it all.
Now I may be jumping the gun here since I haven't actually put my resume out into the world, but a job opportunity has present itself. This is a huge dilemma for me. I would be doing the same thing I used to... and I was damn good at my job. It would pay extremely well and it would be difficult and different every day. I would be making a difference. So what's my dilemma? Well, I feel as though it's not a choice between working or not working. It's a choice between myself or the boys. I can list a million reasons why the money would be beneficial to the whole family, but I'd be kidding myself trying to pretend like money is that important to me. I just can't justify working if our current situation doesn't require me to. I would feel like I was abandoning my job as a Mom. It's not working or not working to me... it's daycare or no daycare, quality time with the family or very little quality time. I always told myself even when I was working that as soon as the bills were paid off I would quit and be a full-time mom. We don't need me to work. Technically the boys don't need me to be at home, but it's my personal belief that it's better for them. My mother was always home. I loved that. I loved being able to come home from school and have my mother greet me with a snack and a hug. I know people who didn't have a parent at home turned out fine... I'm not trying to offend people here.
I've pretty much decided to not even bother trying to get a job. I'm sure Josh would welcome the relief of monetary burden, being the only bread-winner in the house. He said it's completely up to me and I know it is. Noah was in daycare for a year and he was basically sick for that entire time. I was always feeling guilty for not spending more time with him. Yet, why am I sitting here still considering putting my application out to see what happens. I guess I'm selfish. I miss feeling important to people other than Josh and the boys. I miss feeling intelligent and useful. Being a stay-at-home-mom is much harder than my old job. It's monotonous and draining in every way possible. I feel it's best for my kids, though so I'm happy to do it. I wouldn't have had kids if I felt they were burdensome.
Ugh... still. After all that I can't stop thinking about being in that office, writing reports, talking with people, giving briefings, solving problems, and helping stop evildoers. Maybe next year when Noah's in preschool and Tristan's older. Or the year after that when Noah's in kindergarten and Tristan's a toddler. Shoot... by then I'll probably be pregnant with my girl ;) Maybe I should just take a deep breath and get back into my Mommy head and quit thinking about this.
Now I may be jumping the gun here since I haven't actually put my resume out into the world, but a job opportunity has present itself. This is a huge dilemma for me. I would be doing the same thing I used to... and I was damn good at my job. It would pay extremely well and it would be difficult and different every day. I would be making a difference. So what's my dilemma? Well, I feel as though it's not a choice between working or not working. It's a choice between myself or the boys. I can list a million reasons why the money would be beneficial to the whole family, but I'd be kidding myself trying to pretend like money is that important to me. I just can't justify working if our current situation doesn't require me to. I would feel like I was abandoning my job as a Mom. It's not working or not working to me... it's daycare or no daycare, quality time with the family or very little quality time. I always told myself even when I was working that as soon as the bills were paid off I would quit and be a full-time mom. We don't need me to work. Technically the boys don't need me to be at home, but it's my personal belief that it's better for them. My mother was always home. I loved that. I loved being able to come home from school and have my mother greet me with a snack and a hug. I know people who didn't have a parent at home turned out fine... I'm not trying to offend people here.
I've pretty much decided to not even bother trying to get a job. I'm sure Josh would welcome the relief of monetary burden, being the only bread-winner in the house. He said it's completely up to me and I know it is. Noah was in daycare for a year and he was basically sick for that entire time. I was always feeling guilty for not spending more time with him. Yet, why am I sitting here still considering putting my application out to see what happens. I guess I'm selfish. I miss feeling important to people other than Josh and the boys. I miss feeling intelligent and useful. Being a stay-at-home-mom is much harder than my old job. It's monotonous and draining in every way possible. I feel it's best for my kids, though so I'm happy to do it. I wouldn't have had kids if I felt they were burdensome.
Ugh... still. After all that I can't stop thinking about being in that office, writing reports, talking with people, giving briefings, solving problems, and helping stop evildoers. Maybe next year when Noah's in preschool and Tristan's older. Or the year after that when Noah's in kindergarten and Tristan's a toddler. Shoot... by then I'll probably be pregnant with my girl ;) Maybe I should just take a deep breath and get back into my Mommy head and quit thinking about this.
Comments
I know I will look back in 5 years and be so glad that Mark & I stuck with our plan to have me stay at home with our girls.
Anyone could use extra money but time is much more valuable. I think this summer I will get a part time job again just because I do like getting out & helping with the income,but Mark will be watching the girl! I understand what you are feeling. I miss being a photographer & being creative everyday & having a Mom cry because she loves the pictures I've taken of her little boy...I miss all of it...but I know I'll have that all back soon enough.
If you want to talk more about this e-mail me...I have so much more to say... :)
You have no idea how fast this little bit of time you have with your kids goes. I have never regreted that chunk of my life I stayed at home with you kids. You have no idea what you will miss because, you will miss it. Maybe when Noah was crawling along inside that box cracking you up, you would have been at work and he would have been cracking up the babysitter instead, but there would have not been a video taken or as many giggles coming out of Noah. Moms sacrifice more than anyone else knows because they sacrifice who they are so they can be who their child needs for a while....a very little while.
But I didn't want to miss anything with my kids and I was pretty sure no one else in the whole entire world, no matter what I paid them, would REALLY listen and care and love my kids the way I do. And I figured they were going to have enough peer pressure when they got into school, so giving them more hours with me to influence them made me feel like I was laying a good foundation and hopefully equipping them to handle it better when they got to that point.
Your kids will only be young for this one window of time. Work of some sort will always be there.
Your heart will tell you what to do.
(You can email me if you want to gab more about it. My email's on my profile.)
:-)
I think people gave some great advice on here. I hope that you are able to make the right decision for you & your family. I am sure it is so hard to know what is right. Financial security or spending quality time after years of having your family split apart. Just follow your heart & talk it over with Josh. Either way ,you will always be a wonderful Mother :)
In fact, everyone's comments really were helpful and I appreciate all of them. Ultimately this will be me & Josh's decision, but I love to hear everyone else's input. That's why I post about this kind of stuff. They're going to have to offer me a LOT of money to really and truly consider putting my babies in daycare. Especially Tristan since he's still so young.